Autumn and Change

I had this whole lovely post started, and my browser ate it.  Let's try this again..

I had my appointment last week, and it's taken me til tonight to figure out how to put into words what I wanted to say.   If any of this is disjointed, I'll apologize now.

Change is in there air.  On this first stay of  Autumn when Mother Nature prepares herself for her Winter slumber, change is in the air.  It's the whole purpose of this time of year.  And it has touched me personally.

It's an interesting thing, change.  Sometimes it feels good, sometimes bad.  Sometimes it tests us, breaking us until we become stronger. 

There are times when change is completely in our control.  This past week, I decided that I needed change.  A change in my path, in my work, and in my life.  I announced yesterday on Twitter to my Internet family (after telling my in-person family hours before) that I'm re-committing myself to finishing out my degrees and changing my focus.

It isn't that I dislike what I do.  And I enjoy the company of many of those I work with.  But I've found myself complacent.  When I look back at my 12yr to date with the company, I realize that I let my job and some of those around me influence my decisions on what to do with my life.  That isn't to say it's other people's fault.  Far from it!  But when you have an amazing boss and great friends.. well, why leave?

Well, fear not because I have to finish my schooling first, so I'll still be there for some time yet.  It isn't like it's a bad company or anything.  I just didn't see myself retiring from a long career of Corporate Trainer.  (but hey, if anyone wants me to freelance-write technical training manuals using screen shots / pictures, simple, clear directions, in a professional looking manual, let me know!)

Not all change is so exciting though.  Some of it is just ridiculously effing AWFUL.  But why is it awful?  Not just because you deem it bad.. It's because it is out of your control.  We can't control the actions of others or the world around us.  We're only responsible for our own actions.  Those changes outside our bubble though sometimes directly impact us and that is what takes us by surprise and threatens to eat us alive on the inside.

Dramatic much?  /shrug

You know that friend you have?  That one who understands you as much as, if not more than, you know yourself?  The one you share all your thoughts with? Your passions? What drives you and what makes you tick?  The one who gets the truth from you no matter what?  And who gives you nothing but the truth?

Your relationship with your therapist needs to be like that.  CONFESSION -  I said last month that I was going to be more open with my therapist and let her inside my head.  Well, I kinda didn't do that til last Thursday.  Better late than never, right?

I finally let her in.  Admittedly, not 100%, but maybe a good solid 85%.  If I'm going to have someone who helps me deal with life and choices and goals and that inner-voice that loves to try and talk me out of things, well..  I have to be honest.  By being honest with her, I'm forcing myself to be honest with myself.

That's a big deal.  Especially for me.  For as open as I am with all of those who I've let in my Inner Circle, there are layers upon layers in between what they see and all the things hidden deep down.

This had to happen though.  Especially when the person or people in your life that you normally have in that position are no longer there for you in that capacity... whether by choice or by circumstance or whatever.. 

In the original first draft of this posting, I talked about compartmentalizing. It's something some of us can do within our own heads to separate sections of our life, for lack of better words.  Work is work, family is family, friends are friends, etc.   

Take the idea of compartments and compare it something like the Titanic.  The Titanic was built to withstand damage to the 3 or 4 of the compartments being filled with water.  When the compartments overflowed so dramatically into the next compartment and the next compartment, the "Unsinkable" ship sunk.

The same thing happens to those of us who compartmentalize.  We're good at juggling, keeping everything a float when  a couple of areas of our life are hit with change or crisis or dysfunction or what have you.  When more and more of our compartments are impacted though, our juggling act falls apart, our focus is gone, our facade falls away.

Bring back that Depression word and maybe you get an idea of the struggle if it isn't something that you yourself deal with.

Now, if I can just figure out how to make those compartments seriously waterproof so I can stay above water more often..    Just be aware of those who you rely on to throw the life preserver to you.  Everyone has their own agenda, their own life..   Not everyone is going to fit into your life the way you want them or need them to.

-Saisri

Adrift in the ocean

It occurred to me today as I was driving home from work that it can be pretty difficult to give someone an accurate description of what its like when you're deep in throws of a depression fit.  Yes, I said fit.  Depression can ebb and flow.  It isn't always constant.

It's like being adrift in the ocean.  Nothing to hold onto to. Nothing or no one within reach.  You're tired. You're achy.  And you wonder to yourself if it would be easier to give in and let the waves take you.

When someone tries to reach out to you, sometimes it feels like they are 50 yards away from you. Holding out a hand to you.  Not able to reach you.  Calling to you, but their voice is sometimes drowned out by the sound of the waves.


This can sound pretty dismal, huh?  But you know what?  It isn't up to that person to save you from your depression at that point. They can help you and they can guide you or lead you.  The real hero of this story though has to be YOU.

You need to call to the person reaching out.  Tell them where you are or how to find you.  You have to swim as hard as you can and reach for that hand.

Depression can make you feel alone.  It's hard enough that it can make you feel like your entire world is caving in and suffocating you. But it makes you feel so alone.

Sometimes depression can make you isolate yourself, whether you are conscious of it or not.  You can inadvertently push people away.

This isn't to be confused when you purposely and intentionally cut people from your life that are preventing you from living a mentally healthy life.  It is still super important to remove toxic people from your life.



I did have a session last week.  It's just been super busy between kids, and work and the in-law's farm. 

The session went well..  It gives me time away, to think, to chat with someone who is interested in what I have to say (and not just because I pay her).  Sometimes I think I hold back too much from her.  I don't know.

In moments like this, I just don't have the answers. 
I can sound like I do (see all that above). 
I can try and convince myself (see all that above).

Sometimes it's all about how you get to that point each time.  Did your work not go well?  Did you get into an argument with your significant other? Are you having a hard time with change? Have you been hurt? 

I know what my "questions" are and which I have the answers to. 

Part of how this all started tonight, as a topic, is when I used the (censored) saying "Up the creek without a paddle."   The 5 year old really need this to be explained, and the 9 year old argued about the meaning til I started explaining it further - which sounds an awful lot like how this post started.

I think my bottom line for tonight is to really think about this.  How does it compare to where you are?  Are you letting the waves close in on you?  Or are you swimming like hell to get to those trying to help you?

The goal is to find a way to enjoy the ocean again.

-Saisri

A wee bit overdue..

It has been too long, my friends.  Too long.

Firstly, my apologies. I've been hung up on what to write after these last 2 sessions.  I'm on an every two week schedule now, and these last 2 have been less Topic-Oriented and more conversation-based. 

Second, I've been trying to figure out how to put what's been going on in my head onto paper, or even into conversation.

You see, something that's very important about these sessions (any sessions) is that honesty is key.  Honesty with yourself, with your therapist, with your inner circle.  And all three of those need to be in place.

And here's where I've failed.

If there is one person that I'm excellent at hiding the truth from, it's myself.  There are days I can convince myself that everything is okay.  There are days where I can convince myself I'm fine.

I'm not always fine.  And that's okay.  It actually is.  The problem is that I have to be honest with myself about why things aren't fine.  And then handle it appropriately.

Back to my old favorite:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I also haven't been 100% honest with my therapist either.  I haven't lied.  Well, by omission perhaps. I haven't told her everything that is "wrong" and after leaving the last session feeling empty still, I think it's time.

The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.

I've been pondering that a lot lately.  I think there's only one face though, covered by many masks. Everyone has layers, lots and lots of layers.  And those that are allowed in to your circle have pealed away more than those on the outside.  And those few that you have let all the way in, are still held at bay by a layer of mask (s).  Very rarely, you let someone in further than any other.  And that singular person is usually responsible for the number of masks you wear.  They have the ability to strip them away, or to cause you to add more. 

I think I'm going to have a lot to talk about next time.

~Saisri

 

You're good! For now.

This week's appointment was Wednesday, but I've been non-stop running around this week. That's why this blog is courtesy of 6AM, Completed Chores, COFFEE!, and a quiet house with kids sleeping.

I went into this week's appointment expecting to go over the homework of how I would deal with Procrastination.  I may have written the homework a mere hours before the appointment. 

But we didn't talk about that.

Instead we just Talked.  My interests, my hobbies..  What are my stress relievers, my go-tos.  How is my circle of friends doing?  How's the foundation?


Turns out, she also crochets, which is nice.  We shared pictures, talked about the kids, etc..

"You're good, for now." She says.

What?  I'm okay?  ME?  There was a good hearty laugh.


My stress levels are currently at a low.  I'm managing my anxiety and depression.  Apparently, I'm at DEFCON LOW or GREEN, or something?

 

Well, maybe Guarded is a better option.  DEFCON Guarded.   Sounds like a good stance for me.

I don't need to see her for 2 weeks this time.  I'm honestly not sure how I feel about that.  I've come to really enjoy these sessions.  Having someone make me focus on me instead of the trillion other things going through my head.   And if I would start to change the focus, she'd bring me back.

Not everything or everyone in life is under my control.  The only person under my control is Me.  I have to be responsible for me first before anything else.  If I am good, if my foundation is good, then I can be that person for others.  The stronger my foundation is, the more I can take on.  Because I'm strong.

Interestingly enough (and maybe you know me, or maybe I've said this part before), I'm great most of the time.  I can take on the world.  I can be the most loyal of friends, the big mama bear for my kids, the pillar that holds everything up.  I can be that. 

I am that.  

But there are things that I have been dealing with that have just disrupted everything.  Cracks in the foundation.  A few little problems, a few little (big) things, and my whole structure, my whole core has weakened.

These sessions are helping me patch and fix all those cracks.  It isn't like we can just put a band-aid on things and be done with it.  Some parts need to be completely demolished the rest of the way and rebuilt.

Hmm.  Writing that out actually makes it make even more sense to me.  I'm not going through a crisis.  I'm going through a REMODEL!

This needs to be a new code word. 

How are you doing?

Great, I'm remodeling...

Anyone else remodeling? Remodeling works so much better when you have friends there to help share the work load.  Those friends who would drop everything for you and give you their greatest gift - TIME.  Those are the ones you need to ask. 

You should try that if you haven't already.   A few great friends are worth more than 100s of random friends and acquaintances..

My next appointment is the week before Nerdtacular.  I'll try and get a blog post in next week anyway and check in.

Until then..

Saisri

Calling it what it is..

It's a new week and a new post!  Another therapy session behind me.

Today we caught up on life over the past week. Living day by day and week by week is an interesting experience after going, going, going and realizing you've lost track of time again and it's 6 months later.

We caught up on last week's homework.  Things I'd like to change.  I made a list of 6 things that I would change, mostly all related to each other.  And from that list will be next week's assignment, to choose one and look at it from 3 months into the future to discuss how I solved the problem or made the change.

The one I chose to write about for next week is Procrastination.  I haven't written anything yet, but I have ideas already.

The point of this exercise is to view something from the desired end result, and figure out what you needed to do to get there.  But when you write it, you wrote it as if you have already done it and you're looking back. It's to give another perspective on solving a particular issue.  I purposely (and sheepishly) chose an easier one on my list this time, so that my first time doing this wouldn't be tackling the one I have no idea.  She knowingly told me that we'd be tackling it eventually, so this strategy was fine.

We also talked about calling things what they are, and how people don't always know how to put names to what they are experiencing until someone else says the name.

For example, some people who drink too much may not see it as a problem until someone else points it out to them and calls it what it is, Alcoholism. (and even then, they may not see it.)

DISCLAIMER! I'm not being seen for Alcoholism :P   I'm keeping my specifics out of it as usual. My issues are all related to my depression, but the scenario fit what I was trying to say.


Anyway, when someone tells you that you have an issue, before automatically firing back, find yourself a legit brochure or LEGIT website (Stay off the WEBMD, people! Otherwise, you'll be living Oregon trail and having to lose Uncle Jim to Influenza and little Danny to the measles! Think about it! ;) )

What is a legit place to get literature?  Look for actual organizations..  If you want to know about cancer, go to the American Cancer Society for a starting place.  If Aunt Edna has a drinking problem, look at AA's site.  If you have depression, like me!, personally I'd start with the NIH's site.

When you are looking up conditions or disease state, you shouldn't be trying to self-diagnosis. THAT has to come from your doctor.  But you can educate yourself once you have a diagnosis by sticking to LEGIT websites, and not those that are likely to send you into a panic. 

Until next week..  Be well, ask for help when you need it, and accept it when it's offered in good faith.

Assertiveness and handling situations

Today was our final formal discussion on assertiveness . We went over the exercise that I did on who I am/am not assertive with, why, and how it makes me feel. Oh, and what I want out of it.

It's an interesting topic for me because I'm able to speak my mind or opinions most of the time. But around certain  types of people, I allow myself to be put in a backseat and let others control my circumstances. 

When faced with those types of situations, I become indecisive and passive. A lot of it stems from how I was conditioned growing up. 

Today though, I am told I'm doing well, considering. I have my sense of humor intact. I know what it is I want for my life, I just have to take action and retake control of my path. 

The homework for this week is to write a list of changes I would like to happen...big or little, important or insignificant. It's an interesting thought. She says it will be part of an exorcise. 

Until next time...

Saisri 

Assertiveness: doesn't work the same for everyone

Sorry I'm posting this late...lost track of time. And there may have been some Heroes being played. 

Today's session was a catch up from my vacation, and finally our topic -being assertive. 

Assertiveness is about speaking your mind, sharing your feelings and thoughts, and sticking up for yourself. 

Its opposite is Passive. Agreeing just to keep the peace even when it isn't what you think or really feel, or not sticking up for yourself when you need to, saying yes/no and meaning the opposite, or even just letting others make your choices for you. 

Some of you may be surprised to know that I have issues being assertive. But thing is, it's situational. I'm usually vocal about what I think or feel. I generally don't let people walk all over me or take away my voice. 

Sometimes though, you find yourself in situations or with specific people and you immediately become passive. 

I'll share this part to maybe better explain. 

Growing up in my family was no easy task. My mother was very dominant and controlling towards me. Even as an adult I would immediately feel like I was a kid under her thumb when talking to her, even over a phone line from 2500 miles away. 

When I became an adult, I did what many of us do, and swore to never be like her. 

What that did was to become very passive with some people close to me, but I was able to hold onto some semblance of myself when outside those situations. 

Anyway, my point with all this is that you don't have to feel like something is wrong allowed the time in order to reach out for help. Sometimes we need guidance on how to handle certain situations but not all. 

Think about it. 

I'll have more on this next week after we finish talking about assertiveness next week. 

The dog ate my homework?

Time for another session of Help Me Help Me :)

In my rush this morning to get ready for work and head out the door, I forgot to grab my homework folder for my session. Today's session was supposed to be about Assertiveness. That'll be next time!

OOOPS!  (She says she forgives me :P )

Instead, we talked about a variety of things.  Things going on in my life, my kids, work, growing up..

She's pretty fascinated by my crazy home-life growing up.  I would be, too, if I was on the outside looking in!  But I get to be the one telling all the stories.

By now, this is what, my 5th session?  My doctor is getting very easy to talk to.  Granted, I haven't shared all my deepest, darkest secrets, but she hasn't asked me either.  Ask, and you shall receive..  If you don't... well, I don't have to offer, right?


At some point, I'm going to have to share all the rest of what is going on in my head with her.  Not that there is truly anything dark or whatever.  I'm not by any stretch of the word suicidal or anything like that.  I love life and my kids and find pleasure in a lot of things. 

I have trouble dealing with some specific issues.  These issues have grown into my Demon.  He's not an awful demon.. He doesn't really know any better.  He needs to learn some rules and manners and how to behave.  (Kudos to whoever can draw me a cute inner-demon).   My demon likes to pop up only once in a while, in some pretty specific situations. 

I'm also learning more and more something I think I already knew way deep down.  It isn't so much that I have a lot of issues..  I keep allowing myself to be put in situations where I risk running into my demon.

Boundaries and Assertiveness

Today's session was about personal boundaries.  My homework was to write things down that I considered boundaries and then answer some questions.

I actually found it really hard to write down what I considered boundaries..

• I don't like when strangers cuss around my kids
• I don't like when people lie to me
• I don't like it when a person feels the need to always place blame when there is none
• I don't like it when people are rude to be rude

In answering the questions, I respect other people's boundaries just fine, if not too well.  I usually hold my opinion or perspective or advice til its asked for, unless I know it would be well received.  Aside from being painfully shy around people I don't know, I don't have issues in social situations with boundaries (that was a question).


But all of this self-discovery led to this week's topic:  Assertiveness.

The trick to being assertive is to be neither Aggressive nor Passive-Aggressive.  To not be afraid to say what you think, what you want.. without being pushy, and without being passive.  To not agree with things when you don't want to.  To not go along with something, when you don't want to..

Assertiveness for me is something I can turn on and off like a switch.  Those of you who know me, know I an be assertive.  I can make myself be heard just like anyone else.  I can be happy and outgoing and all the rest..

But those of you who know me very well, know that I'm not always that person.  I put up with a lot that I shouldn't.  I keep quiet when I should speak up, and I avoid confrontation.  I am the peacekeeper. The calm one.  The passionate one when it comes to others and standing up for what's right, but not always so good at doing the same for myself.

My homework is to go through some of the people in my life, determine which ones I am non-assertive with, and rank how badly the problem is with them, 1-5.   I then have to do the same with non-aggressive behaviors. 

I have a feeling this homework might be a little difficult.

Values and Stand up?

Today's session was all about Values.  My homework for today was to choose 8 values that were important to me.  I selected mine from a list she had. We then had to write why that value was important.

These are the ones I chose:

1. Children
2. Good physical health
3. Good mental health
4. Family stability
5. Close friends 
6. Education
7. Traditions
8. Love

It's interesting having to identify things that are important to me.  Most of you who know me probably could have guessed at least half that list..  And if you're trying to figure out why I'm having to do this, my best guess is that this list, combined with this week's homework of identifying my boundaries and limits, is to help me flesh out behaviors, what I like and don't like.. And focusing more on the positive ones that I value.  Clearly, I'm not the one with this particular degree, so I'm guessing, but it makes sense.

Now what was very amusing about this session was her keying into my sense of humor.  I wear humor like armor.  It protects me, it helps me deal with things, plus, when not faced with something bad, it's just.. well, FUN!

So she was asking me questions, and I was giving my normal answers with a bit of humor, probably a bit of self-deprecating humor, cause why not?  And she was trying very hard to not crack up.  So she finally looked at me very seriously and said...

"Have you ever considered stand up comedy?"


Hahaha... 

Session 2

For today's session, I had to complete homework.  It was actually pretty interesting, but strange at the same time - at least to me.

First, I had to complete a goal sheet.  The goal sheet included things like:

• what I felt my problem was
• what I wanted my end result to be
• how I might get there
• how I might advise someone else to get there
• who might support me in my endeavor
• who or what might hinder my endeavor

I also had to complete a few pages of my family history.  Things like:

• what my childhood was like
• happiest memory (is it bad I couldn't think of one?)
• saddest memory
• relationship with my siblings
• relationship with my parents

It's hard to talk about things like this when there's pain associated with them.  That's why I had to fill it out ahead of time, I think.  So that when I got there, I just had to read my answers.

I got more homework for this week as well.  I didn't read it over much yet, but it had to do with writing about virtues I found important.


The sessions aren't too difficult, for those of you wondering.  I'm not one to talk about myself to someone I don't know well, but clearly by these blog posts, that's something that I'm working on. 

There aren't a ton of people that I let in too closely..  And those of you who get to see what I usually would never dream of sharing with the rest of the world, are able to see beyond the mask that I wear.  When you're used to people hurting you (and I'm speaking emotionally here), you tend to be very guarded.


Anyway, that's today's session.  Next week, we'll finish talking about my childhood and then I'm guessing talk about the virtues and stuff..


Are you thinking of asking for help?  Check with your insurance. You can also see if your company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP).  Often there are programs there to help that may cost little to nothing, or be free for so long before you pay a copay.  You should look into it.  You can join me on my quest!

The next step...

Today I met with my new counselor.   She seems like a very nice lady.  We talked for a while as she asked questions about my health, my family, my state of mind, and what led up to me seeking help.. 

It wasn't too bad talking to her.  I'm much better at answering questions than just coming up with things to say in that type of situation, but it wasn't horrible. 

She did give me homework! I have a goal sheet and a questionnaire and some informative info to go over.  I'll be seeing her weekly at first, and then going from there.

I'll write more as I go through it and let you know.

My Journey to destroy depression - or at least my own.

Firstly, thank you to everyone who is stopping by to read all this..

I want to start with my tweets from Tuesday that began everything.  I'm just going to copy the text instead of having all the pictures here.. 


Tweets from 4/21/15 but smushed together into actual paragraphs instead of 140 char limits:

I've been very vocal on my thoughts and opinions on depression, and so I'm going to share my continuing saga.

The last I said on it was that I've been self-managing myself - meaning, working on my issues without outside help of dr or drug currently.

Not judging medicines. Everyone's situation is different. I've self-managed for several years and have always had a good grasp of where I'm at emotionally or mentally.  Sometimes, though, being strong doesn't mean doing it yourself.  Sometimes being strong means asking for help. And that is completely ok!

I called up my doctor today and I'll be seeing him on Thursday. This is what I need right now. And it's ok, too!

Know what you can handle and what you can't and never forget to reach out when you can't!

I'll update when I have more info, but feel free to reach out to me if you need to chat (or to anyone if you don't want to talk to me! :) )

And now for the continuation!

Let me tell you how a normal appointment goes with my doctor.  I walk in with a smile. I say hi to everyone make jokes about my weight when I'm on the scale.  When the MA comes in, we laugh and joke.  When the doctor comes in, other than the handshake, we sound like 2 old friends catching up.  We each with our sarcasm go through whatever ailment brought me in, we agree on a plan, and we part ways..


This morning was different. I went in like normal, but when the nice MA came in to do her portion and asked what I was in for, I kept smiling but my voice broke.  Sweet as can be, she asked all her items, and then left me with a smile and a "Hope you feel better soon!"  (I love this office).

I was prepared this time to let my doctor see that I'm not okay.  When he came in, he knew instantly - INSTANTLY- that something was wrong.

He then asked me what's been going on.  And do you know what I did?  I told him the truth.

(Sounds obvious, but this is really important.  If you can admit to your doctor that something is wrong, they can't help you.  You have to help them help you by being Honest.)

We had a good 35-40 min chat?  He would ask questions, and I would answer them and tell him how I was feeling.  He would listen intently and ask more questions...all the while jotting things down.

(They do have to document so that if this is prolonged, they can see your growth or triggers or whatever it is they are looking for.)

As we were winding down, I was feeling better.  Someone who might actually be able to help me and was focused on solely me - and if you know me, that's a big deal..

He did prescribe Zoloft for now.  I knew he would.  I clearly need help right now.  I'm not able to do it on my own like I normally do.  I gratefully accepted the prescription.

He also recommended me to see a therapist he knows and respects.  That I also knew was coming.  If he hadn't offered it to me, I was going to ask.  The medicine will help me with my symptoms, but it won't fix the problem.

EDIT - I forgot to mention.  He also ordered a full lab workup done for blood tests.  As he said, he wants to rule out anything "organic." - meaning, is there something else causing my symptoms.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I began my Zoloft today (generic of course. Not brand. Brand names are expensive!)

I called and left a message at his therapist friend's practice.  I'll follow up with that again and do some of my own homework there.

I am sure there will be more to come, but that sums up today.


(Side Note - I am a HUGE proponent of always telling your PCP everything, including what you see other doctors for.  The more they know, and the better they know you, the faster they can get to the bottom of what is going on.)