Autumn and Change

I had this whole lovely post started, and my browser ate it.  Let's try this again..

I had my appointment last week, and it's taken me til tonight to figure out how to put into words what I wanted to say.   If any of this is disjointed, I'll apologize now.

Change is in there air.  On this first stay of  Autumn when Mother Nature prepares herself for her Winter slumber, change is in the air.  It's the whole purpose of this time of year.  And it has touched me personally.

It's an interesting thing, change.  Sometimes it feels good, sometimes bad.  Sometimes it tests us, breaking us until we become stronger. 

There are times when change is completely in our control.  This past week, I decided that I needed change.  A change in my path, in my work, and in my life.  I announced yesterday on Twitter to my Internet family (after telling my in-person family hours before) that I'm re-committing myself to finishing out my degrees and changing my focus.

It isn't that I dislike what I do.  And I enjoy the company of many of those I work with.  But I've found myself complacent.  When I look back at my 12yr to date with the company, I realize that I let my job and some of those around me influence my decisions on what to do with my life.  That isn't to say it's other people's fault.  Far from it!  But when you have an amazing boss and great friends.. well, why leave?

Well, fear not because I have to finish my schooling first, so I'll still be there for some time yet.  It isn't like it's a bad company or anything.  I just didn't see myself retiring from a long career of Corporate Trainer.  (but hey, if anyone wants me to freelance-write technical training manuals using screen shots / pictures, simple, clear directions, in a professional looking manual, let me know!)

Not all change is so exciting though.  Some of it is just ridiculously effing AWFUL.  But why is it awful?  Not just because you deem it bad.. It's because it is out of your control.  We can't control the actions of others or the world around us.  We're only responsible for our own actions.  Those changes outside our bubble though sometimes directly impact us and that is what takes us by surprise and threatens to eat us alive on the inside.

Dramatic much?  /shrug

You know that friend you have?  That one who understands you as much as, if not more than, you know yourself?  The one you share all your thoughts with? Your passions? What drives you and what makes you tick?  The one who gets the truth from you no matter what?  And who gives you nothing but the truth?

Your relationship with your therapist needs to be like that.  CONFESSION -  I said last month that I was going to be more open with my therapist and let her inside my head.  Well, I kinda didn't do that til last Thursday.  Better late than never, right?

I finally let her in.  Admittedly, not 100%, but maybe a good solid 85%.  If I'm going to have someone who helps me deal with life and choices and goals and that inner-voice that loves to try and talk me out of things, well..  I have to be honest.  By being honest with her, I'm forcing myself to be honest with myself.

That's a big deal.  Especially for me.  For as open as I am with all of those who I've let in my Inner Circle, there are layers upon layers in between what they see and all the things hidden deep down.

This had to happen though.  Especially when the person or people in your life that you normally have in that position are no longer there for you in that capacity... whether by choice or by circumstance or whatever.. 

In the original first draft of this posting, I talked about compartmentalizing. It's something some of us can do within our own heads to separate sections of our life, for lack of better words.  Work is work, family is family, friends are friends, etc.   

Take the idea of compartments and compare it something like the Titanic.  The Titanic was built to withstand damage to the 3 or 4 of the compartments being filled with water.  When the compartments overflowed so dramatically into the next compartment and the next compartment, the "Unsinkable" ship sunk.

The same thing happens to those of us who compartmentalize.  We're good at juggling, keeping everything a float when  a couple of areas of our life are hit with change or crisis or dysfunction or what have you.  When more and more of our compartments are impacted though, our juggling act falls apart, our focus is gone, our facade falls away.

Bring back that Depression word and maybe you get an idea of the struggle if it isn't something that you yourself deal with.

Now, if I can just figure out how to make those compartments seriously waterproof so I can stay above water more often..    Just be aware of those who you rely on to throw the life preserver to you.  Everyone has their own agenda, their own life..   Not everyone is going to fit into your life the way you want them or need them to.

-Saisri