I never got to meet you, but I have watched you on screen for nearly 40 years. You made countless people laugh, cry, or most often times, both at the same time. The whole world knew of you, but only a small percentage actually knew you.
You and I, we have some things in common. We are both known for our characters, the roles that we choose to play. You of course were on screen, bringing countless characters to life. I, on the other hand, have been known for the better part of 15 years by the characters that I choose to play in various online communities.
That is another thing that we share in common: our love of video games. There is nothing quite like having the ability to immerse yourself into another world and forget your troubles for a while. There is nothing like being just one in the crowd, like everyone else, having just enough anonymity to be yourself without the world knowing your name. World of Warcraft was just one of those worlds, and the online community mourns your passing.
We have another thing in common together, and it's even bigger than our love of video games. Depression. It is a difficult word to put in writing sometimes. It is a word that carries stigmas and judgements. It is a word that labels us, tries to define us, and changes how the world perceives us.
There is something you have to watch out for though, when you have a combination of video games and Depression. You can surround yourself with people, sometimes the very best of people, and still manage to feel alone. There are days where I log into one of the biggest guilds in WoW, and I can feel more alone than if 10 people were online and having a conversation. It can be way too easy to find yourself lost in the crowd, a faceless, voiceless set of pixels. You have to actively fight that, though. You have to fight to be heard, and sometimes the person you have to fight the most with is yourself.
There was a joke I saw once: "I came to a decision, but it wasn't unanimous." The joke refers to the voice, or voices, in your head that guides you. Those of us that have depression know those voices well. The ones that try and convince us to give up. The ones that try to tell us that no one out there cares, that no one out there is there for us.
The voices are wrong, though. They always are. It's hard to push them away. I get it. I think the only reason I get everything in my head to balance most days is because I try to be the most logical optimist possible. Logical Optimist, heh.. It's almost an oxymoron, but it works for me. I try to be optimistic, but in the most realistic sort of way. I also try to manage my stress as best as I can. Stress can not only trigger my migraines (which I manage rather well), but it can send me spiraling out of control if I let it.
But please don't think that I manage it all just fine every day. I most certainly don't. When I heard the news about you on Monday, it hit me really hard. And when that was layered with a lot of stresses that I'm already dealing with? The depression was really close to hitting hard by Monday night. I got through it. Okay, barely. But I managed to skirt the worst of it, I think.
Depression hurts. So much of it is internal, often times unable to be detected by those around you. There will always be some who can see it, who can read what you hide behind your eyes. Everyone should have at least one of that kind of friend or relative. The person who sees you for who you are, no matter how high you build your walls to keep the outside from seeing the feelings you hide.
It is sometimes hard to find that right kind of person that you need in your life. It is all too easy to surround yourself with the ones who make everything in life about themselves. There's no worse feeling about depression (that I've experienced) than hitting that dark place, and having people around you make it about them. I resorted to allowing my doctor to prescribe me help two different times over the course of the last 12 years or so. I was actually made to feel guilty that needed to be taking something. It was easier for me to cope without it, than to be on it plus the guilt. And the guilt was not from myself, mind you. It was from other people. I am working on weeding the garden of people in my life, if you will. I've already pulled some difficult weeds, and I'm continuing to do so.
No one that has depression needs to ever feel alone. You have to learn how to remove a wall, remove one of your layers that you wrap yourself up in so that you can let someone in. Depression isn't something you can manage on your own. It does start with you, though. You have to acknowledge it, accept it, and be willing to face it head on in order to move past it, or to even just get through it.
I can't begin to imagine the pain you must have felt at the end. You'll have to forgive me if I don't want to. You see, I've often said to others, "The moment I begin to understand why a person does a particular thing, it means I'm thinking like them." I usually attribute that sentiment towards criminals and despicable human beings, but I can see now it also can pertain to suicide. I don't have a desire to walk down that dark road alone, to decipher what you must have been thinking.
What I do know is that while you were a light in the world to so many while you were alive in this crazy world with us, you've now become a light in the dark to people to reach for now that you're gone. You've helped bring the subject of depression, and mental health in general for that matter, back to the front of the stage. Your passing has given a voice to so many. I don't know that it was your intent, but even in death, you are helping those around you, around the world!
As sad as I am at your passing, I acknowledge your pain, but I will not disservice you by remembering you by it, as the guy who passed because he was depressed. I want to think of you as the man who lived his life to the fullest, who enjoyed making people laugh.
I'd rather remember you laughing, anyway.
Sincerely,
Kelly
AKA:
Saisri - WoW: Earthen Ring
Previously known as:
Katissa - WoW: Hellscream
Katinka, Brissen, Brissy - Everquest: The Rathe
and a host of other names and games.
Do you need help with your depression? Are you contemplating suicide? Reach out to someone who can and wants to help you. Everyone is deserving of help. You just have to ask for it.
| Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 |
| National Suicide Prevention Lifeline |
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
