Fiery Post from the Fiery Red-head.

Some of you may jump all over for me for what I’m about to say.. I ask that you at least read it all the way through before you do.

I’m a mother of two children, and I am incredibly sad about the world that they are growing up in.   

It’s a world where I’m concerned about taking them places where large groups may gather because I can’t watch everyone.  I’m concerned about sending them to school because there are those who believe school children are targets.  I’m concerned all the time.  This is not the same world that I grew up in, I can tell you that.

Tonight’s tragedy in Dallas is just one more in a string of tragedies that spans quite some time.  My heart breaks for those officers and their families, just as it breaks when innocent people are killed by officers or anyone else.

Friends, All Lives Matter.

Yes, I said it.  I don’t care what persuasion you are, what color your skin or your hair is.. I don’t care what your profession is, nor do I care what your religion is.

People Matter. 

And that seems to be a lesson humanity hasn’t been passing down clear enough.  When did it become “second nature” in modern times to reach for a gun to settle a dispute?  When did it become okay to destroy someone else’s property just because you can?

When, as a culture, as human beings, did we just stop caring?

I am sure some of you are saying “HEY!” right about now.  I get it. No one likes fingers pointed.

Look, I get it.  I’m conservative in many aspects of my life.  I still believe that you can Love Whoever You Want to Love, and if you want to marry them, I wish you the best.  That doesn’t hurt me or my beliefs or my family, or my children’s upbringing or your children’s upbringing.   Why can’t people just be happy with who they want to be happy with?

I think all people are equal and if you’re going to judge them, it should be on their own merit.  Do you work hard?  Do you have goals?  Do you have aspirations?  I think people who work hard to provide for their families should be commended.

I worked hard for where I am today, and I’m still working to improve.  I’ve worked crappy retail jobs with no benefits, I’ve waitressed and bartended, and there was a time I worked 3 jobs, 7 days a week to make ends meet.  I remember when I finally got my first job that offered benefits! I was so excited to have made it that far!  And then I continued to improve myself to work my way up. 

I think many kids today, and I mean young all the way up to their 20s, have a hard time adjusting to life once they hit the real world.  I think too many kids are raised on pedestals instead of the ground.  So many of those “helicopter parents” and some of those other stereotypes that pushed for every kid to get a trophy and maintained every aspect of their child’s life did a huge disservice to their children. 

When you get to College and beyond, life has winners and losers.  My generation grew up being taught that you had to be a gracious winner and an even more gracious loser. If you won, you congratulated those who tried their best.  If you lost, you congratulated those that bested you, and then you turned around and strived to do better.  We were taught the importance of working hard for what you wanted to achieve.

I think that’s missing now.  I think our children in general have gotten so used to other people fighting their battles for them and managing their lives, that they have no idea how to deal with or solve basic conflicts.  I think our children don’t care at all about someone else’s property as long as their own property is just fine.  I think our children have disconnected from the world and only care about themselves and those in their bubble.  I think they need to learn more about respect, and how it must be both earned and given.

Our kids haven’t learned how to survive life outside their parents’ house.  And for whatever reason, guns and violence are what they turn to.

Tonight, a peaceful protest turned deadly because a couple individuals decided to use that moment for their own agenda to inspire fear and to wage war on the police.  The protesters weren’t doing that.   

Others did. 

But you know what happened?  Even in the wake of people dying, the protesters were replaced by those wanting to incite more havoc.  On the news you could see taunting and such happening in front of the officers.

Many are so quick to say “Officers are killing people!”  You know what?  We need to stop generalizing this.  Out of all of the nation’s police forces, yes, there are some bad cops out there.  That in no way means they are all bad.  There are lots of good cops, good men and women in uniform, out there. They just don’t make the news. 

Generalities can be said about a lot of things.  About Gender, Race, Ethnicity, Religious Affiliation, etc etc etc.  Just because there are some bad people out there, it doesn’t mean all are bad.

Families and communities need to start coming together to make positive changes.  We need to teach that there’s a better way than being a divided community / nation / etc.   We need to change our streets, our neighborhoods, our towns and cities..   

You know who also needs to step it up and promote positivity?  Our leadership.  All the way on up. 

What are the famous words?  

United we stand.  Divided we fall.  

America has plenty of enemies. We should be more worried about that problem.

Autumn and Change

I had this whole lovely post started, and my browser ate it.  Let's try this again..

I had my appointment last week, and it's taken me til tonight to figure out how to put into words what I wanted to say.   If any of this is disjointed, I'll apologize now.

Change is in there air.  On this first stay of  Autumn when Mother Nature prepares herself for her Winter slumber, change is in the air.  It's the whole purpose of this time of year.  And it has touched me personally.

It's an interesting thing, change.  Sometimes it feels good, sometimes bad.  Sometimes it tests us, breaking us until we become stronger. 

There are times when change is completely in our control.  This past week, I decided that I needed change.  A change in my path, in my work, and in my life.  I announced yesterday on Twitter to my Internet family (after telling my in-person family hours before) that I'm re-committing myself to finishing out my degrees and changing my focus.

It isn't that I dislike what I do.  And I enjoy the company of many of those I work with.  But I've found myself complacent.  When I look back at my 12yr to date with the company, I realize that I let my job and some of those around me influence my decisions on what to do with my life.  That isn't to say it's other people's fault.  Far from it!  But when you have an amazing boss and great friends.. well, why leave?

Well, fear not because I have to finish my schooling first, so I'll still be there for some time yet.  It isn't like it's a bad company or anything.  I just didn't see myself retiring from a long career of Corporate Trainer.  (but hey, if anyone wants me to freelance-write technical training manuals using screen shots / pictures, simple, clear directions, in a professional looking manual, let me know!)

Not all change is so exciting though.  Some of it is just ridiculously effing AWFUL.  But why is it awful?  Not just because you deem it bad.. It's because it is out of your control.  We can't control the actions of others or the world around us.  We're only responsible for our own actions.  Those changes outside our bubble though sometimes directly impact us and that is what takes us by surprise and threatens to eat us alive on the inside.

Dramatic much?  /shrug

You know that friend you have?  That one who understands you as much as, if not more than, you know yourself?  The one you share all your thoughts with? Your passions? What drives you and what makes you tick?  The one who gets the truth from you no matter what?  And who gives you nothing but the truth?

Your relationship with your therapist needs to be like that.  CONFESSION -  I said last month that I was going to be more open with my therapist and let her inside my head.  Well, I kinda didn't do that til last Thursday.  Better late than never, right?

I finally let her in.  Admittedly, not 100%, but maybe a good solid 85%.  If I'm going to have someone who helps me deal with life and choices and goals and that inner-voice that loves to try and talk me out of things, well..  I have to be honest.  By being honest with her, I'm forcing myself to be honest with myself.

That's a big deal.  Especially for me.  For as open as I am with all of those who I've let in my Inner Circle, there are layers upon layers in between what they see and all the things hidden deep down.

This had to happen though.  Especially when the person or people in your life that you normally have in that position are no longer there for you in that capacity... whether by choice or by circumstance or whatever.. 

In the original first draft of this posting, I talked about compartmentalizing. It's something some of us can do within our own heads to separate sections of our life, for lack of better words.  Work is work, family is family, friends are friends, etc.   

Take the idea of compartments and compare it something like the Titanic.  The Titanic was built to withstand damage to the 3 or 4 of the compartments being filled with water.  When the compartments overflowed so dramatically into the next compartment and the next compartment, the "Unsinkable" ship sunk.

The same thing happens to those of us who compartmentalize.  We're good at juggling, keeping everything a float when  a couple of areas of our life are hit with change or crisis or dysfunction or what have you.  When more and more of our compartments are impacted though, our juggling act falls apart, our focus is gone, our facade falls away.

Bring back that Depression word and maybe you get an idea of the struggle if it isn't something that you yourself deal with.

Now, if I can just figure out how to make those compartments seriously waterproof so I can stay above water more often..    Just be aware of those who you rely on to throw the life preserver to you.  Everyone has their own agenda, their own life..   Not everyone is going to fit into your life the way you want them or need them to.

-Saisri

Adrift in the ocean

It occurred to me today as I was driving home from work that it can be pretty difficult to give someone an accurate description of what its like when you're deep in throws of a depression fit.  Yes, I said fit.  Depression can ebb and flow.  It isn't always constant.

It's like being adrift in the ocean.  Nothing to hold onto to. Nothing or no one within reach.  You're tired. You're achy.  And you wonder to yourself if it would be easier to give in and let the waves take you.

When someone tries to reach out to you, sometimes it feels like they are 50 yards away from you. Holding out a hand to you.  Not able to reach you.  Calling to you, but their voice is sometimes drowned out by the sound of the waves.


This can sound pretty dismal, huh?  But you know what?  It isn't up to that person to save you from your depression at that point. They can help you and they can guide you or lead you.  The real hero of this story though has to be YOU.

You need to call to the person reaching out.  Tell them where you are or how to find you.  You have to swim as hard as you can and reach for that hand.

Depression can make you feel alone.  It's hard enough that it can make you feel like your entire world is caving in and suffocating you. But it makes you feel so alone.

Sometimes depression can make you isolate yourself, whether you are conscious of it or not.  You can inadvertently push people away.

This isn't to be confused when you purposely and intentionally cut people from your life that are preventing you from living a mentally healthy life.  It is still super important to remove toxic people from your life.



I did have a session last week.  It's just been super busy between kids, and work and the in-law's farm. 

The session went well..  It gives me time away, to think, to chat with someone who is interested in what I have to say (and not just because I pay her).  Sometimes I think I hold back too much from her.  I don't know.

In moments like this, I just don't have the answers. 
I can sound like I do (see all that above). 
I can try and convince myself (see all that above).

Sometimes it's all about how you get to that point each time.  Did your work not go well?  Did you get into an argument with your significant other? Are you having a hard time with change? Have you been hurt? 

I know what my "questions" are and which I have the answers to. 

Part of how this all started tonight, as a topic, is when I used the (censored) saying "Up the creek without a paddle."   The 5 year old really need this to be explained, and the 9 year old argued about the meaning til I started explaining it further - which sounds an awful lot like how this post started.

I think my bottom line for tonight is to really think about this.  How does it compare to where you are?  Are you letting the waves close in on you?  Or are you swimming like hell to get to those trying to help you?

The goal is to find a way to enjoy the ocean again.

-Saisri

A wee bit overdue..

It has been too long, my friends.  Too long.

Firstly, my apologies. I've been hung up on what to write after these last 2 sessions.  I'm on an every two week schedule now, and these last 2 have been less Topic-Oriented and more conversation-based. 

Second, I've been trying to figure out how to put what's been going on in my head onto paper, or even into conversation.

You see, something that's very important about these sessions (any sessions) is that honesty is key.  Honesty with yourself, with your therapist, with your inner circle.  And all three of those need to be in place.

And here's where I've failed.

If there is one person that I'm excellent at hiding the truth from, it's myself.  There are days I can convince myself that everything is okay.  There are days where I can convince myself I'm fine.

I'm not always fine.  And that's okay.  It actually is.  The problem is that I have to be honest with myself about why things aren't fine.  And then handle it appropriately.

Back to my old favorite:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I also haven't been 100% honest with my therapist either.  I haven't lied.  Well, by omission perhaps. I haven't told her everything that is "wrong" and after leaving the last session feeling empty still, I think it's time.

The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.

I've been pondering that a lot lately.  I think there's only one face though, covered by many masks. Everyone has layers, lots and lots of layers.  And those that are allowed in to your circle have pealed away more than those on the outside.  And those few that you have let all the way in, are still held at bay by a layer of mask (s).  Very rarely, you let someone in further than any other.  And that singular person is usually responsible for the number of masks you wear.  They have the ability to strip them away, or to cause you to add more. 

I think I'm going to have a lot to talk about next time.

~Saisri

 

You're good! For now.

This week's appointment was Wednesday, but I've been non-stop running around this week. That's why this blog is courtesy of 6AM, Completed Chores, COFFEE!, and a quiet house with kids sleeping.

I went into this week's appointment expecting to go over the homework of how I would deal with Procrastination.  I may have written the homework a mere hours before the appointment. 

But we didn't talk about that.

Instead we just Talked.  My interests, my hobbies..  What are my stress relievers, my go-tos.  How is my circle of friends doing?  How's the foundation?


Turns out, she also crochets, which is nice.  We shared pictures, talked about the kids, etc..

"You're good, for now." She says.

What?  I'm okay?  ME?  There was a good hearty laugh.


My stress levels are currently at a low.  I'm managing my anxiety and depression.  Apparently, I'm at DEFCON LOW or GREEN, or something?

 

Well, maybe Guarded is a better option.  DEFCON Guarded.   Sounds like a good stance for me.

I don't need to see her for 2 weeks this time.  I'm honestly not sure how I feel about that.  I've come to really enjoy these sessions.  Having someone make me focus on me instead of the trillion other things going through my head.   And if I would start to change the focus, she'd bring me back.

Not everything or everyone in life is under my control.  The only person under my control is Me.  I have to be responsible for me first before anything else.  If I am good, if my foundation is good, then I can be that person for others.  The stronger my foundation is, the more I can take on.  Because I'm strong.

Interestingly enough (and maybe you know me, or maybe I've said this part before), I'm great most of the time.  I can take on the world.  I can be the most loyal of friends, the big mama bear for my kids, the pillar that holds everything up.  I can be that. 

I am that.  

But there are things that I have been dealing with that have just disrupted everything.  Cracks in the foundation.  A few little problems, a few little (big) things, and my whole structure, my whole core has weakened.

These sessions are helping me patch and fix all those cracks.  It isn't like we can just put a band-aid on things and be done with it.  Some parts need to be completely demolished the rest of the way and rebuilt.

Hmm.  Writing that out actually makes it make even more sense to me.  I'm not going through a crisis.  I'm going through a REMODEL!

This needs to be a new code word. 

How are you doing?

Great, I'm remodeling...

Anyone else remodeling? Remodeling works so much better when you have friends there to help share the work load.  Those friends who would drop everything for you and give you their greatest gift - TIME.  Those are the ones you need to ask. 

You should try that if you haven't already.   A few great friends are worth more than 100s of random friends and acquaintances..

My next appointment is the week before Nerdtacular.  I'll try and get a blog post in next week anyway and check in.

Until then..

Saisri

Calling it what it is..

It's a new week and a new post!  Another therapy session behind me.

Today we caught up on life over the past week. Living day by day and week by week is an interesting experience after going, going, going and realizing you've lost track of time again and it's 6 months later.

We caught up on last week's homework.  Things I'd like to change.  I made a list of 6 things that I would change, mostly all related to each other.  And from that list will be next week's assignment, to choose one and look at it from 3 months into the future to discuss how I solved the problem or made the change.

The one I chose to write about for next week is Procrastination.  I haven't written anything yet, but I have ideas already.

The point of this exercise is to view something from the desired end result, and figure out what you needed to do to get there.  But when you write it, you wrote it as if you have already done it and you're looking back. It's to give another perspective on solving a particular issue.  I purposely (and sheepishly) chose an easier one on my list this time, so that my first time doing this wouldn't be tackling the one I have no idea.  She knowingly told me that we'd be tackling it eventually, so this strategy was fine.

We also talked about calling things what they are, and how people don't always know how to put names to what they are experiencing until someone else says the name.

For example, some people who drink too much may not see it as a problem until someone else points it out to them and calls it what it is, Alcoholism. (and even then, they may not see it.)

DISCLAIMER! I'm not being seen for Alcoholism :P   I'm keeping my specifics out of it as usual. My issues are all related to my depression, but the scenario fit what I was trying to say.


Anyway, when someone tells you that you have an issue, before automatically firing back, find yourself a legit brochure or LEGIT website (Stay off the WEBMD, people! Otherwise, you'll be living Oregon trail and having to lose Uncle Jim to Influenza and little Danny to the measles! Think about it! ;) )

What is a legit place to get literature?  Look for actual organizations..  If you want to know about cancer, go to the American Cancer Society for a starting place.  If Aunt Edna has a drinking problem, look at AA's site.  If you have depression, like me!, personally I'd start with the NIH's site.

When you are looking up conditions or disease state, you shouldn't be trying to self-diagnosis. THAT has to come from your doctor.  But you can educate yourself once you have a diagnosis by sticking to LEGIT websites, and not those that are likely to send you into a panic. 

Until next week..  Be well, ask for help when you need it, and accept it when it's offered in good faith.

Assertiveness and handling situations

Today was our final formal discussion on assertiveness . We went over the exercise that I did on who I am/am not assertive with, why, and how it makes me feel. Oh, and what I want out of it.

It's an interesting topic for me because I'm able to speak my mind or opinions most of the time. But around certain  types of people, I allow myself to be put in a backseat and let others control my circumstances. 

When faced with those types of situations, I become indecisive and passive. A lot of it stems from how I was conditioned growing up. 

Today though, I am told I'm doing well, considering. I have my sense of humor intact. I know what it is I want for my life, I just have to take action and retake control of my path. 

The homework for this week is to write a list of changes I would like to happen...big or little, important or insignificant. It's an interesting thought. She says it will be part of an exorcise. 

Until next time...

Saisri