An Open Letter to the Late Robin Williams (or anyone suffering with depression)

Dear Robin,

I never got to meet you, but I have watched you on screen for nearly 40 years.  You made countless people laugh, cry, or most often times, both at the same time.  The whole world knew of you, but only a small percentage actually knew you.

You and I, we have some things in common.  We are both known for our characters, the roles that we choose to play.  You of course were on screen, bringing countless characters to life.  I, on the other hand, have been known for the better part of 15 years by the characters that I choose to play in various online communities. 

That is another thing that we share in common: our love of video games.  There is nothing quite like having the ability to immerse yourself into another world and forget your troubles for a while.  There is nothing like being just one in the crowd, like everyone else, having just enough anonymity to be yourself without the world knowing your name.  World of Warcraft was just one of those worlds, and the online community mourns your passing. 


We have another thing in common together, and it's even bigger than our love of video games.  Depression.  It is a difficult word to put in writing sometimes.  It is a word that carries stigmas and judgements.  It is a word that labels us, tries to define us, and changes how the world perceives us.

There is something you have to watch out for though, when you have a combination of video games and Depression.  You can surround yourself with people, sometimes the very best of people, and still manage to feel alone. There are days where I log into one of the biggest guilds in WoW, and I can feel more alone than if 10 people were online and having a conversation.  It can be way too easy to find yourself  lost in the crowd, a faceless, voiceless set of pixels.  You have to actively fight that, though.  You have to fight to be heard, and sometimes the person you have to fight the most with is yourself.

There was a joke I saw once:  "I came to a decision, but it wasn't unanimous."  The joke refers to the voice, or voices, in your head that guides you.  Those of us that have depression know those voices well.  The ones that try and convince us to give up.  The ones that try to tell us that no one out there cares, that no one out there is there for us.

The voices are wrong, though.  They always are.  It's hard to push them away.  I get it.  I think the only reason I get everything in my head to balance most days is because I try to be the most logical optimist possible.  Logical Optimist, heh.. It's almost an oxymoron, but it works for me.  I try to be optimistic, but in the most realistic sort of way.  I also try to manage my stress as best as I can.  Stress can not only trigger my migraines (which I manage rather well), but it can send me spiraling out of control if I let it.

But please don't think that I manage it all just fine every day.  I most certainly don't.  When I heard the news about you on Monday, it hit me really hard. And when that was layered with a lot of stresses that I'm already dealing with?  The depression was really close to hitting hard by Monday night.  I got through it. Okay, barely.  But I managed to skirt the worst of it, I think. 

Depression hurts.  So much of it is internal, often times unable to be detected by those around you.  There will always be some who can see it, who can read what you hide behind your eyes.  Everyone should have at least one of that kind of friend or relative.  The person who sees you for who you are, no matter how high you build your walls to keep the outside from seeing the feelings you hide. 

It is sometimes hard to find that right kind of person that you need in your life.  It is all too easy to surround yourself with the ones who make everything in life about themselves.  There's no worse feeling about depression (that I've experienced) than hitting that dark place, and having people around you make it about them.  I resorted to allowing my doctor to prescribe me help two different times over the course of the last 12 years or so.  I was actually made to feel guilty that needed to be taking something.  It was easier for me to cope without it, than to be on it plus the guilt.  And the guilt was not from myself, mind you.  It was from other people.  I am working on weeding the garden of people in my life, if you will.  I've already pulled some difficult weeds, and I'm continuing to do so.


No one that has depression needs to ever feel alone.  You have to learn how to remove a wall, remove one of your layers that you wrap yourself up in so that you can let someone in.  Depression isn't something you can manage on your own.  It does start with you, though.  You have to acknowledge it, accept it, and be willing to face it head on in order to move past it, or to even just get through it.


I can't begin to imagine the pain you must have felt at the end.  You'll have to forgive me if I don't want to.  You see, I've often said to others, "The moment I begin to understand why a person does a particular thing, it means I'm thinking like them."  I usually attribute that sentiment towards criminals and despicable human beings, but I can see now it also can pertain to suicide.  I don't have a desire to walk down that dark road alone, to decipher what you must have been thinking. 

What I do know is that while you were a light in the world to so many while you were alive in this crazy world with us, you've now become a light in the dark to people to reach for now that you're gone.  You've helped bring the subject of depression, and mental health in general for that matter, back to the front of the stage.  Your passing has given a voice to so many.  I don't know that it was your intent, but even in death, you are helping those around you, around the world!

As sad as I am at your passing, I acknowledge your pain, but I will not disservice you by remembering you by it, as the guy who passed because he was depressed.  I want to think of you as the man who lived his life to the fullest, who enjoyed making people laugh.

I'd rather remember you laughing, anyway.

Sincerely,
Kelly
AKA:
     Saisri - WoW: Earthen Ring

     Previously known as:
     Katissa - WoW: Hellscream
     Katinka, Brissen, Brissy - Everquest: The Rathe

      and a host of other names and games.



Do you need help with your depression?  Are you contemplating suicide?  Reach out to someone who can and wants to help you.  Everyone is deserving of help.  You just have to ask for it.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

          www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Off the beaten track... into the Real World we go

I'm going to start out by saying, this is not a game related post..  Its more of a rant and a WTH is wrong with you, society?  It is my opinion.  It is my strong opinion.  The only request I have is that when you're done reading it, that no ones tries to make it political or about gun control, cause if you do, you've missed my point entirely.

That's my disclaimer.  And what a way to jump back into my blog!


I was reading the news this morning.  It is something I do almost every day. I like to know current events and what is going on in the world outside my own little world.  And more often than not, there is some horrible story of violence or death or something that is just simply not okay.  But when that story involves kids, it just brings on a whole new meaning and whole different kind of questioning.

Parents out there, WTH?

The first story this morning that I read is this article out of Connecticut. Apparently a boy asked a girl to prom.  She said no.  So boy stabs girl.

WHAT?

What have we been doing to our kids in today's society.  In a world where kids all get trophies and everyone gets a prize, we are teaching our kids to always expect something.  It is preventing our kids from learning about disappointment and how to deal with that.

What went through this boy's mind this morning?  Could he really not take the disappointment of being rejected by a girl for prom?  Even if this was extremely disappointing, what makes him suddenly think that if she won't go with him, he must stab her?  I don't understand how the normal is becoming violence in our schools.

Remember when we just had to worry about Violence in the Workplace?  Now, we have to worry about our kids going off the handle at school.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about bullying and the effects that it has on kids.  I will say, that parents could be helping their children more by talking to them early about how to deal with bullies, about their self-worth and self-confidence and help build our children up properly so that they can't be pulled down by the words or actions of another.

But back to Connecticut, I don't understand why more people don't see this huge disconnect in our society.

I have two kids of my own.  As of this post, they are 4 yrs old and 8 yrs old.  They are not perfect children.  On a good day, they might loosely resemble a perfect child.  They are normal, healthy, happy kids.  And they are used to disappointment.  My kids do have things, but they don't have everything.  When they ask for something, they get told "No."  A lot.  You don't need gadget XYZ, because you have ABC and you should be happy with that gadget you already have because there are kids who have nothing.  

Yes, sometimes I sound like my generation's parents.

Both my kids happen to take Karate.  They both could go to the tournaments and earn a participation medal for every event that they can participate in...  But they don't.  Why?  Cause they have to earn the right to even GO to the tournament.  I don't just say, hey let's go.  I say, have you been behaved? Have you picked up your toys? Have you picked up your dirty laundry that you tossed on the floor 2 feet from the laundry basket you have in your room?

I don't have perfect kids, but I do have kids that have manners.  They say please and thank you.  They ask for things and don't demand them.  They understand that when we're in a store and I say "No" it actually means "No."

Its about teaching our kids boundaries and right from wrong and how to deal with life.  It is okay to teach your kids that being special to You as their parent.  They should believe that you have their back and their best interests at heart.  But it is not okay to teach your child that they are so special they should have a pedestal to stand on. Not everyone is going to be the fastest or the strongest or the best reader or the smartest in math or whatever it might be.  Kids need to learn early that not everyone is good at everything and that is okay.  Instead of getting a medal or trophy for everything they do, they should be spending their time having fun and learning about what THEY are good at and then focusing on that if they wish.

Kids should have to learn that there are winning teams and losing teams.  And the losing teams should say "Congratulations" to the winner for coming out on top that day and then practice harder to do better next time.  Winning teams should say "Good game!" to the losing team.  And they shouldn't gloat and throw it in their faces.  They played hard that day and it showed off.. and they should go back to practicing because someone else may come along who is better than they are.

Instead of good sportsmanship these days, we promote making it easy or not keeping score or whatever it takes to not make kids upset.  But how are they ever going to grow into teenagers and into adults if they don't understand how life is?  I understand wanting to shelter your kids, but how does that help them later in life?  What is going to happen when they graduate college and expect that high paying job the moment they get out of school because that's what they were told would happen, and they don't get hired where they want. Maybe they don't get hired at all at first.  Maybe that retail job at the mall is necessary so they can pay their bills while they try to get hired on at that dream job?  

Wait, sorry.. We're teaching them to stay living at home as long as possible.  We'll protect them from that first failure and they can keep living at home with their allowance til they get a job.  And then they can probably stay at home, too.  

I don't want my kids to leave.  But I also understand that at some point, they need to spread their wings and fly.  You can't soar if you don't fly.


Let's take this second article for that I stumbled on this morning..  3 teenagers from PA (15, 15, and 16 yrs of age) decide to go shooting.. They decide its a good idea to shoot onto someone's property at a donkey that just so happens to be the family pet.  They think it'll be a good choice to each shoot the donkey 6 times for fun.

What?  There's so many breakdowns in this little article that my head spins.  Where are the parents?  If these boys were taught to shoot as boys, where was the part about instilling in them responsibility or preservation of life or about cruelty in general?  This is not a gun issue.  This is about parents choosing to teach their children something and not doing so in a responsible and thorough manner. Guns are not about sport in this manner.  It is not supposed to be 3 kids who decide for fun to go shooting things that are living and breathing for no reason other than because they can.  Hunting is one thing. This was not hunting.

What about the consequences and what could have happened..  They were shooting onto someone's property.  What if they missed?  What if they shot someone accidentally?  What if they hurt someone?  Guns are not toys or a pastime for irresponsibility.   You want to go shooting? Have your parents take you somewhere safe, a range, the side of a hill, something..  Target practice.. They make targets that don't live and breath and belong to someone.  They make these things out of paper, and you can hang it up and shoot at it all you want.

And why did they do this anyway?  My guess is one of them will say, "We were bored.."

Parents, this answer is killing me. Maybe not the right choice of words here, but go with it.  When have we stopped teaching our kids how to amuse themselves but in a good way.  We now spend their childhood arranging all their activities and their play times and play dates and keeping them amused til exhaustion sets in (for us, not them.).  

Kids need to learn how to make good and bad choices.  They need to learn themselves, YOUNG, and make mistakes and be taught to learn from them before they start to grow up with raging teenage hormones and heads full of bad choices because they want to rebel against their overly-structured lives.

Don't get me wrong.  I know kids are going to rebel. And even kids you think are good kids are going to make bad choices.  I get that.  Again, I do not have perfect kids.

But one thing we can be teaching them young is about Life - not just what we live, but living creatures and the Earth.

We can be teaching them about Property - property belongs to someone, it may not be yours but it does belong to someone. It is not okay to destroy it, wreck it, graffiti on it, knock it over, hit with anything, shoot at it, whatever.

We can teach them be caring people.  Help other people. Think of other people, not just themselves.

Help the old guy across the street instead of making fun of him, calling him names or knocking him down.   Help Grandma with some chores without being asked.
Offer to help the lady load or unload her groceries from the car.

At one time, this was the norm.  In a struggle to be different from the generation before us and swearing off being anything like our parents, we are missing out in teaching our kids valuable life lessons that would help them in life when we're not there to guide them. No, our parents definitely didn't always do it right.  Some of us know better than others on that one.   But even the generation before them (many of whom are raising their grandchildren), valued life lessons and character over the number trophies that were cluttering the shelves and closets.


My confession for this post?  I've been wanting to put all this into words for sometime, but just haven't.  I don't want to tell people how to raise their kids... I just wish more people understood the long term effects of the choices we make.

That and in our family we also teach some other things.  Our second language is Sarcasm.  Our motto is if it isn't Broken, Bleeding, the person isn't dying, and the person isn't throwing up, you're tattling unless there's a point to what you're about to say.  There's one meal made at dinner time. Its called Dinner.  If you don't like it, make your own version of dinner.  If you don't eat, no snacks.   Going to bed hungry IS an option.

I see a little time has lapsed...

Its been a few days since I've gotten to sit down and write anything in my journal.  Alright, so its closer to a week.  Let's see...

October 10th -
A hunting we went.  We again  headed into the siege, our merry band and I, to try and vanquish the Sha of Pride.  He proved to be a mighty foe that evening, but little did he know, his days were numbered.

October 11th and 12th - You didn't miss anything :)

October 13th -
Good ole' Sunday the 13th    Our mighty band was scattered to the four winds.  We pulled together those of us that could be found.  Alachaas stood in front of the Sha and showed him some pride of his own.   At his side, we threw Hawkito.  Al clapped him on the back and they prepared for battle. 

The Sha pushed us back the first couple of times we attacked, but finally, amongst the clatter of weapons and armor, voices arose..

"We've got this!  Attack, attack"

"Just breathe!"



And then a deathly howl arose as the great beast fell.  The Sha of Pride was defeated.



Great job, Team!   4 Foes defeated.

I have broken through another barrier!

I wandered around Timeless some last night.  Hopped to one chest, died dropping to another (ehh, I never was good at aiming to land on a target.  Ask the people at the Darkmoon Faire).

I helped out with the Ghost Ship and I tagged something else as I ran by.  I managed to get some Timeless coins together so I went to explore the Monkey Treasure Chest Cave.  <- That's my new name for it.

As usual, I bypassed all the big shiny chests and went looking for all the small, mundane-looking, passed-over chests.  What did my hunting yeild?    A new shiny ring!!   And what did that do for me?  I am now ilvl 501!   I've broken the 500 barrier!

Alright, so while that is incredibly exciting for me, I'm sure not everyone was impressed.  So thank you to those who were happy for me :)


I didn't end up getting much else accomplished.  In real life, I still have a ripped up house from our impromptu, unexpected remodel.  The contractor was out today to get all his info together to make his estimate.  Still waiting to find out when my house will be put back together, better than before.

That said, I hope to venture around Azeroth tonight and see what else I can upgrade and get myself into.  Maybe I'll finally have enough sit-down time at my desk to actually get into an LFR like I keep wanting to.

I suppose we'll just have to see what happens.

~Saisri

Sunday Funnies

Last night, the raid team ventured behind Norushen into the lair of the Sha of Pride.  He was big.  He was ugly.  And we almost had him!

What a fight! There were bodies everywhere!
Run here!
Run there!
Run away!   (Sir Robin's minstrels may or may not have made an appearance.)
Run back!
And people kept getting thrown into prison (what's with that!?  Stop getting caught!)

And above all ?  It was FUN!

And it was crazy.  I had Holy Word: Sanctuary down for the tanks and kept refreshing that as often as I could.  I had a lightwell going for them, too.  And I kept tossing group heals. 

The debuffing that was needed sucked if you didn't get the Gift of the Titans.  I got it a bunch of times, but most often, I'd get it at the very beginning of the fight when no one needed it. 

Chaotic and fun, with people I am coming to really enjoy the company of.  It was awesome.

Confession...

I said to the raid  "The power of Pride compels thee!  The power of Pride compels thee!"

And only one person got it.  Thanks for having my back, Medi :)



Confession for this morning...

Not necessarily due to the raid, I am tired today.  The cheap coffee here today sucks.  And I'm out of coffee creamer at work. Yes, I could spring for the coffee in the cafeteria, but that doesn't cover the fact that the coffee sucked.

I'm so tired I can't even keep writing this in character!

~Saisri (sort of...)

Thursday Night Rumble

This week has been a little strange in Real World land, but luckily Azeroth has been helping that!

On Wednesday, I stayed camped in my room at the inn for the most part, burning the midnight candles, as they say.  I spent a long time pouring over my books, reading my spell book, reorganizing and re-memorizing spells.   I also made myself more familiar with Charkra states and glyphs and I think I made myself more battle ready.

To test my preparations, I ventured out with FERT

First, shout out to Serota!  Serota brought me a beautiful new Dragonstrike, Reborn mace (ilvl 502).  To compliment it, I was also presented with an Inscribed Red Fan (ilvl 476).  They are wonderful!
I think Alachaas may have had a hand in that, too..

Second, shout out to the Panda Trio (2nd boss in SoO), for the pretty bracers.  The Trio provided me with Lifebane Bracers (ilvl 540).

Overall, the new ilvl is 498!!

And without further ado...

We took down the 3rd Boss!  Yay!  After several attempts and a dwindling raid, we got him!

It was so exciting, and I was happy that everyone was so happy.

Yes, that made perfect sense.

Confession...

I mentioned how I rearranged my spells and got myself already.  That part was great!  I had better use of my mana pool.  I was able to have healing symbols on the ground, my lifewell in action, party heals galore and the return of Holy Nova.

But..

I was actually still not even close to topping some of the top healers.  Not that I'm trying to do better than anyone, but I would like to be on par with everyone.

I know I'm getting there, and I know I did a ton better!  I just know that I can do better still and that's what I need to look into.

I'll get there.  In the meantime, Go Team!

~Saisri

The Monday Night Blues.. Or purples, as it may be

Yesterday, I ventured to the Timeless Isle again, in search of the pieces of gear I need to upgrade and some Burdens to make them better.

I am quite annoyed at my burdens of late.  I did get one 2 nights ago, and upgraded a pair of shoes (Shoes are important. I've mentioned this) and the resulting pair of shoes had an ilvl of 33 more points than the ones I had on, but removed ALL the spirit.  NO spirit on these shoes.  Nor did it give me any stat that could be reforged into spirit.  Nothing was green on this at all!

I was so angry.  What a waste!  A pretty pair of shoes, and although the ilvl was a little higher, I not only need a higher ilvl, I need the spirit!

So, last night I was there.  Looking for burdens and gear.  I got in on 2 rares kills (no drops for me, just coins and stones and a lesser charm), and took my coins for a gamble of chests.

And I got gear!  But they were duplicates to things sitting in my bags currently.   And not one burden.

I was already tired and annoyed, so I kept it short.  I went back to my inn to sleep.  Hopefully tonight is a better night.

Confession - When I'm tired and cranky, I want to strangle that large over-sized monkey and take all his keys to those chests!

I will also say that my approach to the chests in that room is a throw back to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  I only choose from the small chests that line the room.  Not the blingy ones.   To date, I've gotten several burdens over all, lots and lots of timeless pieces, and 3 Bongos and a lot of coin..

Maybe there really is something to that old adages "Less is More" and "Don't judge a book (or chest) by it's cover."

~Saisri