Assertiveness: doesn't work the same for everyone

Sorry I'm posting this late...lost track of time. And there may have been some Heroes being played. 

Today's session was a catch up from my vacation, and finally our topic -being assertive. 

Assertiveness is about speaking your mind, sharing your feelings and thoughts, and sticking up for yourself. 

Its opposite is Passive. Agreeing just to keep the peace even when it isn't what you think or really feel, or not sticking up for yourself when you need to, saying yes/no and meaning the opposite, or even just letting others make your choices for you. 

Some of you may be surprised to know that I have issues being assertive. But thing is, it's situational. I'm usually vocal about what I think or feel. I generally don't let people walk all over me or take away my voice. 

Sometimes though, you find yourself in situations or with specific people and you immediately become passive. 

I'll share this part to maybe better explain. 

Growing up in my family was no easy task. My mother was very dominant and controlling towards me. Even as an adult I would immediately feel like I was a kid under her thumb when talking to her, even over a phone line from 2500 miles away. 

When I became an adult, I did what many of us do, and swore to never be like her. 

What that did was to become very passive with some people close to me, but I was able to hold onto some semblance of myself when outside those situations. 

Anyway, my point with all this is that you don't have to feel like something is wrong allowed the time in order to reach out for help. Sometimes we need guidance on how to handle certain situations but not all. 

Think about it. 

I'll have more on this next week after we finish talking about assertiveness next week. 

The dog ate my homework?

Time for another session of Help Me Help Me :)

In my rush this morning to get ready for work and head out the door, I forgot to grab my homework folder for my session. Today's session was supposed to be about Assertiveness. That'll be next time!

OOOPS!  (She says she forgives me :P )

Instead, we talked about a variety of things.  Things going on in my life, my kids, work, growing up..

She's pretty fascinated by my crazy home-life growing up.  I would be, too, if I was on the outside looking in!  But I get to be the one telling all the stories.

By now, this is what, my 5th session?  My doctor is getting very easy to talk to.  Granted, I haven't shared all my deepest, darkest secrets, but she hasn't asked me either.  Ask, and you shall receive..  If you don't... well, I don't have to offer, right?


At some point, I'm going to have to share all the rest of what is going on in my head with her.  Not that there is truly anything dark or whatever.  I'm not by any stretch of the word suicidal or anything like that.  I love life and my kids and find pleasure in a lot of things. 

I have trouble dealing with some specific issues.  These issues have grown into my Demon.  He's not an awful demon.. He doesn't really know any better.  He needs to learn some rules and manners and how to behave.  (Kudos to whoever can draw me a cute inner-demon).   My demon likes to pop up only once in a while, in some pretty specific situations. 

I'm also learning more and more something I think I already knew way deep down.  It isn't so much that I have a lot of issues..  I keep allowing myself to be put in situations where I risk running into my demon.

Boundaries and Assertiveness

Today's session was about personal boundaries.  My homework was to write things down that I considered boundaries and then answer some questions.

I actually found it really hard to write down what I considered boundaries..

• I don't like when strangers cuss around my kids
• I don't like when people lie to me
• I don't like it when a person feels the need to always place blame when there is none
• I don't like it when people are rude to be rude

In answering the questions, I respect other people's boundaries just fine, if not too well.  I usually hold my opinion or perspective or advice til its asked for, unless I know it would be well received.  Aside from being painfully shy around people I don't know, I don't have issues in social situations with boundaries (that was a question).


But all of this self-discovery led to this week's topic:  Assertiveness.

The trick to being assertive is to be neither Aggressive nor Passive-Aggressive.  To not be afraid to say what you think, what you want.. without being pushy, and without being passive.  To not agree with things when you don't want to.  To not go along with something, when you don't want to..

Assertiveness for me is something I can turn on and off like a switch.  Those of you who know me, know I an be assertive.  I can make myself be heard just like anyone else.  I can be happy and outgoing and all the rest..

But those of you who know me very well, know that I'm not always that person.  I put up with a lot that I shouldn't.  I keep quiet when I should speak up, and I avoid confrontation.  I am the peacekeeper. The calm one.  The passionate one when it comes to others and standing up for what's right, but not always so good at doing the same for myself.

My homework is to go through some of the people in my life, determine which ones I am non-assertive with, and rank how badly the problem is with them, 1-5.   I then have to do the same with non-aggressive behaviors. 

I have a feeling this homework might be a little difficult.

Values and Stand up?

Today's session was all about Values.  My homework for today was to choose 8 values that were important to me.  I selected mine from a list she had. We then had to write why that value was important.

These are the ones I chose:

1. Children
2. Good physical health
3. Good mental health
4. Family stability
5. Close friends 
6. Education
7. Traditions
8. Love

It's interesting having to identify things that are important to me.  Most of you who know me probably could have guessed at least half that list..  And if you're trying to figure out why I'm having to do this, my best guess is that this list, combined with this week's homework of identifying my boundaries and limits, is to help me flesh out behaviors, what I like and don't like.. And focusing more on the positive ones that I value.  Clearly, I'm not the one with this particular degree, so I'm guessing, but it makes sense.

Now what was very amusing about this session was her keying into my sense of humor.  I wear humor like armor.  It protects me, it helps me deal with things, plus, when not faced with something bad, it's just.. well, FUN!

So she was asking me questions, and I was giving my normal answers with a bit of humor, probably a bit of self-deprecating humor, cause why not?  And she was trying very hard to not crack up.  So she finally looked at me very seriously and said...

"Have you ever considered stand up comedy?"


Hahaha... 

Session 2

For today's session, I had to complete homework.  It was actually pretty interesting, but strange at the same time - at least to me.

First, I had to complete a goal sheet.  The goal sheet included things like:

• what I felt my problem was
• what I wanted my end result to be
• how I might get there
• how I might advise someone else to get there
• who might support me in my endeavor
• who or what might hinder my endeavor

I also had to complete a few pages of my family history.  Things like:

• what my childhood was like
• happiest memory (is it bad I couldn't think of one?)
• saddest memory
• relationship with my siblings
• relationship with my parents

It's hard to talk about things like this when there's pain associated with them.  That's why I had to fill it out ahead of time, I think.  So that when I got there, I just had to read my answers.

I got more homework for this week as well.  I didn't read it over much yet, but it had to do with writing about virtues I found important.


The sessions aren't too difficult, for those of you wondering.  I'm not one to talk about myself to someone I don't know well, but clearly by these blog posts, that's something that I'm working on. 

There aren't a ton of people that I let in too closely..  And those of you who get to see what I usually would never dream of sharing with the rest of the world, are able to see beyond the mask that I wear.  When you're used to people hurting you (and I'm speaking emotionally here), you tend to be very guarded.


Anyway, that's today's session.  Next week, we'll finish talking about my childhood and then I'm guessing talk about the virtues and stuff..


Are you thinking of asking for help?  Check with your insurance. You can also see if your company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP).  Often there are programs there to help that may cost little to nothing, or be free for so long before you pay a copay.  You should look into it.  You can join me on my quest!

The next step...

Today I met with my new counselor.   She seems like a very nice lady.  We talked for a while as she asked questions about my health, my family, my state of mind, and what led up to me seeking help.. 

It wasn't too bad talking to her.  I'm much better at answering questions than just coming up with things to say in that type of situation, but it wasn't horrible. 

She did give me homework! I have a goal sheet and a questionnaire and some informative info to go over.  I'll be seeing her weekly at first, and then going from there.

I'll write more as I go through it and let you know.

My Journey to destroy depression - or at least my own.

Firstly, thank you to everyone who is stopping by to read all this..

I want to start with my tweets from Tuesday that began everything.  I'm just going to copy the text instead of having all the pictures here.. 


Tweets from 4/21/15 but smushed together into actual paragraphs instead of 140 char limits:

I've been very vocal on my thoughts and opinions on depression, and so I'm going to share my continuing saga.

The last I said on it was that I've been self-managing myself - meaning, working on my issues without outside help of dr or drug currently.

Not judging medicines. Everyone's situation is different. I've self-managed for several years and have always had a good grasp of where I'm at emotionally or mentally.  Sometimes, though, being strong doesn't mean doing it yourself.  Sometimes being strong means asking for help. And that is completely ok!

I called up my doctor today and I'll be seeing him on Thursday. This is what I need right now. And it's ok, too!

Know what you can handle and what you can't and never forget to reach out when you can't!

I'll update when I have more info, but feel free to reach out to me if you need to chat (or to anyone if you don't want to talk to me! :) )

And now for the continuation!

Let me tell you how a normal appointment goes with my doctor.  I walk in with a smile. I say hi to everyone make jokes about my weight when I'm on the scale.  When the MA comes in, we laugh and joke.  When the doctor comes in, other than the handshake, we sound like 2 old friends catching up.  We each with our sarcasm go through whatever ailment brought me in, we agree on a plan, and we part ways..


This morning was different. I went in like normal, but when the nice MA came in to do her portion and asked what I was in for, I kept smiling but my voice broke.  Sweet as can be, she asked all her items, and then left me with a smile and a "Hope you feel better soon!"  (I love this office).

I was prepared this time to let my doctor see that I'm not okay.  When he came in, he knew instantly - INSTANTLY- that something was wrong.

He then asked me what's been going on.  And do you know what I did?  I told him the truth.

(Sounds obvious, but this is really important.  If you can admit to your doctor that something is wrong, they can't help you.  You have to help them help you by being Honest.)

We had a good 35-40 min chat?  He would ask questions, and I would answer them and tell him how I was feeling.  He would listen intently and ask more questions...all the while jotting things down.

(They do have to document so that if this is prolonged, they can see your growth or triggers or whatever it is they are looking for.)

As we were winding down, I was feeling better.  Someone who might actually be able to help me and was focused on solely me - and if you know me, that's a big deal..

He did prescribe Zoloft for now.  I knew he would.  I clearly need help right now.  I'm not able to do it on my own like I normally do.  I gratefully accepted the prescription.

He also recommended me to see a therapist he knows and respects.  That I also knew was coming.  If he hadn't offered it to me, I was going to ask.  The medicine will help me with my symptoms, but it won't fix the problem.

EDIT - I forgot to mention.  He also ordered a full lab workup done for blood tests.  As he said, he wants to rule out anything "organic." - meaning, is there something else causing my symptoms.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I began my Zoloft today (generic of course. Not brand. Brand names are expensive!)

I called and left a message at his therapist friend's practice.  I'll follow up with that again and do some of my own homework there.

I am sure there will be more to come, but that sums up today.


(Side Note - I am a HUGE proponent of always telling your PCP everything, including what you see other doctors for.  The more they know, and the better they know you, the faster they can get to the bottom of what is going on.)