Fiery Post from the Fiery Red-head.

Some of you may jump all over for me for what I’m about to say.. I ask that you at least read it all the way through before you do.

I’m a mother of two children, and I am incredibly sad about the world that they are growing up in.   

It’s a world where I’m concerned about taking them places where large groups may gather because I can’t watch everyone.  I’m concerned about sending them to school because there are those who believe school children are targets.  I’m concerned all the time.  This is not the same world that I grew up in, I can tell you that.

Tonight’s tragedy in Dallas is just one more in a string of tragedies that spans quite some time.  My heart breaks for those officers and their families, just as it breaks when innocent people are killed by officers or anyone else.

Friends, All Lives Matter.

Yes, I said it.  I don’t care what persuasion you are, what color your skin or your hair is.. I don’t care what your profession is, nor do I care what your religion is.

People Matter. 

And that seems to be a lesson humanity hasn’t been passing down clear enough.  When did it become “second nature” in modern times to reach for a gun to settle a dispute?  When did it become okay to destroy someone else’s property just because you can?

When, as a culture, as human beings, did we just stop caring?

I am sure some of you are saying “HEY!” right about now.  I get it. No one likes fingers pointed.

Look, I get it.  I’m conservative in many aspects of my life.  I still believe that you can Love Whoever You Want to Love, and if you want to marry them, I wish you the best.  That doesn’t hurt me or my beliefs or my family, or my children’s upbringing or your children’s upbringing.   Why can’t people just be happy with who they want to be happy with?

I think all people are equal and if you’re going to judge them, it should be on their own merit.  Do you work hard?  Do you have goals?  Do you have aspirations?  I think people who work hard to provide for their families should be commended.

I worked hard for where I am today, and I’m still working to improve.  I’ve worked crappy retail jobs with no benefits, I’ve waitressed and bartended, and there was a time I worked 3 jobs, 7 days a week to make ends meet.  I remember when I finally got my first job that offered benefits! I was so excited to have made it that far!  And then I continued to improve myself to work my way up. 

I think many kids today, and I mean young all the way up to their 20s, have a hard time adjusting to life once they hit the real world.  I think too many kids are raised on pedestals instead of the ground.  So many of those “helicopter parents” and some of those other stereotypes that pushed for every kid to get a trophy and maintained every aspect of their child’s life did a huge disservice to their children. 

When you get to College and beyond, life has winners and losers.  My generation grew up being taught that you had to be a gracious winner and an even more gracious loser. If you won, you congratulated those who tried their best.  If you lost, you congratulated those that bested you, and then you turned around and strived to do better.  We were taught the importance of working hard for what you wanted to achieve.

I think that’s missing now.  I think our children in general have gotten so used to other people fighting their battles for them and managing their lives, that they have no idea how to deal with or solve basic conflicts.  I think our children don’t care at all about someone else’s property as long as their own property is just fine.  I think our children have disconnected from the world and only care about themselves and those in their bubble.  I think they need to learn more about respect, and how it must be both earned and given.

Our kids haven’t learned how to survive life outside their parents’ house.  And for whatever reason, guns and violence are what they turn to.

Tonight, a peaceful protest turned deadly because a couple individuals decided to use that moment for their own agenda to inspire fear and to wage war on the police.  The protesters weren’t doing that.   

Others did. 

But you know what happened?  Even in the wake of people dying, the protesters were replaced by those wanting to incite more havoc.  On the news you could see taunting and such happening in front of the officers.

Many are so quick to say “Officers are killing people!”  You know what?  We need to stop generalizing this.  Out of all of the nation’s police forces, yes, there are some bad cops out there.  That in no way means they are all bad.  There are lots of good cops, good men and women in uniform, out there. They just don’t make the news. 

Generalities can be said about a lot of things.  About Gender, Race, Ethnicity, Religious Affiliation, etc etc etc.  Just because there are some bad people out there, it doesn’t mean all are bad.

Families and communities need to start coming together to make positive changes.  We need to teach that there’s a better way than being a divided community / nation / etc.   We need to change our streets, our neighborhoods, our towns and cities..   

You know who also needs to step it up and promote positivity?  Our leadership.  All the way on up. 

What are the famous words?  

United we stand.  Divided we fall.  

America has plenty of enemies. We should be more worried about that problem.

Autumn and Change

I had this whole lovely post started, and my browser ate it.  Let's try this again..

I had my appointment last week, and it's taken me til tonight to figure out how to put into words what I wanted to say.   If any of this is disjointed, I'll apologize now.

Change is in there air.  On this first stay of  Autumn when Mother Nature prepares herself for her Winter slumber, change is in the air.  It's the whole purpose of this time of year.  And it has touched me personally.

It's an interesting thing, change.  Sometimes it feels good, sometimes bad.  Sometimes it tests us, breaking us until we become stronger. 

There are times when change is completely in our control.  This past week, I decided that I needed change.  A change in my path, in my work, and in my life.  I announced yesterday on Twitter to my Internet family (after telling my in-person family hours before) that I'm re-committing myself to finishing out my degrees and changing my focus.

It isn't that I dislike what I do.  And I enjoy the company of many of those I work with.  But I've found myself complacent.  When I look back at my 12yr to date with the company, I realize that I let my job and some of those around me influence my decisions on what to do with my life.  That isn't to say it's other people's fault.  Far from it!  But when you have an amazing boss and great friends.. well, why leave?

Well, fear not because I have to finish my schooling first, so I'll still be there for some time yet.  It isn't like it's a bad company or anything.  I just didn't see myself retiring from a long career of Corporate Trainer.  (but hey, if anyone wants me to freelance-write technical training manuals using screen shots / pictures, simple, clear directions, in a professional looking manual, let me know!)

Not all change is so exciting though.  Some of it is just ridiculously effing AWFUL.  But why is it awful?  Not just because you deem it bad.. It's because it is out of your control.  We can't control the actions of others or the world around us.  We're only responsible for our own actions.  Those changes outside our bubble though sometimes directly impact us and that is what takes us by surprise and threatens to eat us alive on the inside.

Dramatic much?  /shrug

You know that friend you have?  That one who understands you as much as, if not more than, you know yourself?  The one you share all your thoughts with? Your passions? What drives you and what makes you tick?  The one who gets the truth from you no matter what?  And who gives you nothing but the truth?

Your relationship with your therapist needs to be like that.  CONFESSION -  I said last month that I was going to be more open with my therapist and let her inside my head.  Well, I kinda didn't do that til last Thursday.  Better late than never, right?

I finally let her in.  Admittedly, not 100%, but maybe a good solid 85%.  If I'm going to have someone who helps me deal with life and choices and goals and that inner-voice that loves to try and talk me out of things, well..  I have to be honest.  By being honest with her, I'm forcing myself to be honest with myself.

That's a big deal.  Especially for me.  For as open as I am with all of those who I've let in my Inner Circle, there are layers upon layers in between what they see and all the things hidden deep down.

This had to happen though.  Especially when the person or people in your life that you normally have in that position are no longer there for you in that capacity... whether by choice or by circumstance or whatever.. 

In the original first draft of this posting, I talked about compartmentalizing. It's something some of us can do within our own heads to separate sections of our life, for lack of better words.  Work is work, family is family, friends are friends, etc.   

Take the idea of compartments and compare it something like the Titanic.  The Titanic was built to withstand damage to the 3 or 4 of the compartments being filled with water.  When the compartments overflowed so dramatically into the next compartment and the next compartment, the "Unsinkable" ship sunk.

The same thing happens to those of us who compartmentalize.  We're good at juggling, keeping everything a float when  a couple of areas of our life are hit with change or crisis or dysfunction or what have you.  When more and more of our compartments are impacted though, our juggling act falls apart, our focus is gone, our facade falls away.

Bring back that Depression word and maybe you get an idea of the struggle if it isn't something that you yourself deal with.

Now, if I can just figure out how to make those compartments seriously waterproof so I can stay above water more often..    Just be aware of those who you rely on to throw the life preserver to you.  Everyone has their own agenda, their own life..   Not everyone is going to fit into your life the way you want them or need them to.

-Saisri

Adrift in the ocean

It occurred to me today as I was driving home from work that it can be pretty difficult to give someone an accurate description of what its like when you're deep in throws of a depression fit.  Yes, I said fit.  Depression can ebb and flow.  It isn't always constant.

It's like being adrift in the ocean.  Nothing to hold onto to. Nothing or no one within reach.  You're tired. You're achy.  And you wonder to yourself if it would be easier to give in and let the waves take you.

When someone tries to reach out to you, sometimes it feels like they are 50 yards away from you. Holding out a hand to you.  Not able to reach you.  Calling to you, but their voice is sometimes drowned out by the sound of the waves.


This can sound pretty dismal, huh?  But you know what?  It isn't up to that person to save you from your depression at that point. They can help you and they can guide you or lead you.  The real hero of this story though has to be YOU.

You need to call to the person reaching out.  Tell them where you are or how to find you.  You have to swim as hard as you can and reach for that hand.

Depression can make you feel alone.  It's hard enough that it can make you feel like your entire world is caving in and suffocating you. But it makes you feel so alone.

Sometimes depression can make you isolate yourself, whether you are conscious of it or not.  You can inadvertently push people away.

This isn't to be confused when you purposely and intentionally cut people from your life that are preventing you from living a mentally healthy life.  It is still super important to remove toxic people from your life.



I did have a session last week.  It's just been super busy between kids, and work and the in-law's farm. 

The session went well..  It gives me time away, to think, to chat with someone who is interested in what I have to say (and not just because I pay her).  Sometimes I think I hold back too much from her.  I don't know.

In moments like this, I just don't have the answers. 
I can sound like I do (see all that above). 
I can try and convince myself (see all that above).

Sometimes it's all about how you get to that point each time.  Did your work not go well?  Did you get into an argument with your significant other? Are you having a hard time with change? Have you been hurt? 

I know what my "questions" are and which I have the answers to. 

Part of how this all started tonight, as a topic, is when I used the (censored) saying "Up the creek without a paddle."   The 5 year old really need this to be explained, and the 9 year old argued about the meaning til I started explaining it further - which sounds an awful lot like how this post started.

I think my bottom line for tonight is to really think about this.  How does it compare to where you are?  Are you letting the waves close in on you?  Or are you swimming like hell to get to those trying to help you?

The goal is to find a way to enjoy the ocean again.

-Saisri

A wee bit overdue..

It has been too long, my friends.  Too long.

Firstly, my apologies. I've been hung up on what to write after these last 2 sessions.  I'm on an every two week schedule now, and these last 2 have been less Topic-Oriented and more conversation-based. 

Second, I've been trying to figure out how to put what's been going on in my head onto paper, or even into conversation.

You see, something that's very important about these sessions (any sessions) is that honesty is key.  Honesty with yourself, with your therapist, with your inner circle.  And all three of those need to be in place.

And here's where I've failed.

If there is one person that I'm excellent at hiding the truth from, it's myself.  There are days I can convince myself that everything is okay.  There are days where I can convince myself I'm fine.

I'm not always fine.  And that's okay.  It actually is.  The problem is that I have to be honest with myself about why things aren't fine.  And then handle it appropriately.

Back to my old favorite:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I also haven't been 100% honest with my therapist either.  I haven't lied.  Well, by omission perhaps. I haven't told her everything that is "wrong" and after leaving the last session feeling empty still, I think it's time.

The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.

I've been pondering that a lot lately.  I think there's only one face though, covered by many masks. Everyone has layers, lots and lots of layers.  And those that are allowed in to your circle have pealed away more than those on the outside.  And those few that you have let all the way in, are still held at bay by a layer of mask (s).  Very rarely, you let someone in further than any other.  And that singular person is usually responsible for the number of masks you wear.  They have the ability to strip them away, or to cause you to add more. 

I think I'm going to have a lot to talk about next time.

~Saisri

 

You're good! For now.

This week's appointment was Wednesday, but I've been non-stop running around this week. That's why this blog is courtesy of 6AM, Completed Chores, COFFEE!, and a quiet house with kids sleeping.

I went into this week's appointment expecting to go over the homework of how I would deal with Procrastination.  I may have written the homework a mere hours before the appointment. 

But we didn't talk about that.

Instead we just Talked.  My interests, my hobbies..  What are my stress relievers, my go-tos.  How is my circle of friends doing?  How's the foundation?


Turns out, she also crochets, which is nice.  We shared pictures, talked about the kids, etc..

"You're good, for now." She says.

What?  I'm okay?  ME?  There was a good hearty laugh.


My stress levels are currently at a low.  I'm managing my anxiety and depression.  Apparently, I'm at DEFCON LOW or GREEN, or something?

 

Well, maybe Guarded is a better option.  DEFCON Guarded.   Sounds like a good stance for me.

I don't need to see her for 2 weeks this time.  I'm honestly not sure how I feel about that.  I've come to really enjoy these sessions.  Having someone make me focus on me instead of the trillion other things going through my head.   And if I would start to change the focus, she'd bring me back.

Not everything or everyone in life is under my control.  The only person under my control is Me.  I have to be responsible for me first before anything else.  If I am good, if my foundation is good, then I can be that person for others.  The stronger my foundation is, the more I can take on.  Because I'm strong.

Interestingly enough (and maybe you know me, or maybe I've said this part before), I'm great most of the time.  I can take on the world.  I can be the most loyal of friends, the big mama bear for my kids, the pillar that holds everything up.  I can be that. 

I am that.  

But there are things that I have been dealing with that have just disrupted everything.  Cracks in the foundation.  A few little problems, a few little (big) things, and my whole structure, my whole core has weakened.

These sessions are helping me patch and fix all those cracks.  It isn't like we can just put a band-aid on things and be done with it.  Some parts need to be completely demolished the rest of the way and rebuilt.

Hmm.  Writing that out actually makes it make even more sense to me.  I'm not going through a crisis.  I'm going through a REMODEL!

This needs to be a new code word. 

How are you doing?

Great, I'm remodeling...

Anyone else remodeling? Remodeling works so much better when you have friends there to help share the work load.  Those friends who would drop everything for you and give you their greatest gift - TIME.  Those are the ones you need to ask. 

You should try that if you haven't already.   A few great friends are worth more than 100s of random friends and acquaintances..

My next appointment is the week before Nerdtacular.  I'll try and get a blog post in next week anyway and check in.

Until then..

Saisri

Calling it what it is..

It's a new week and a new post!  Another therapy session behind me.

Today we caught up on life over the past week. Living day by day and week by week is an interesting experience after going, going, going and realizing you've lost track of time again and it's 6 months later.

We caught up on last week's homework.  Things I'd like to change.  I made a list of 6 things that I would change, mostly all related to each other.  And from that list will be next week's assignment, to choose one and look at it from 3 months into the future to discuss how I solved the problem or made the change.

The one I chose to write about for next week is Procrastination.  I haven't written anything yet, but I have ideas already.

The point of this exercise is to view something from the desired end result, and figure out what you needed to do to get there.  But when you write it, you wrote it as if you have already done it and you're looking back. It's to give another perspective on solving a particular issue.  I purposely (and sheepishly) chose an easier one on my list this time, so that my first time doing this wouldn't be tackling the one I have no idea.  She knowingly told me that we'd be tackling it eventually, so this strategy was fine.

We also talked about calling things what they are, and how people don't always know how to put names to what they are experiencing until someone else says the name.

For example, some people who drink too much may not see it as a problem until someone else points it out to them and calls it what it is, Alcoholism. (and even then, they may not see it.)

DISCLAIMER! I'm not being seen for Alcoholism :P   I'm keeping my specifics out of it as usual. My issues are all related to my depression, but the scenario fit what I was trying to say.


Anyway, when someone tells you that you have an issue, before automatically firing back, find yourself a legit brochure or LEGIT website (Stay off the WEBMD, people! Otherwise, you'll be living Oregon trail and having to lose Uncle Jim to Influenza and little Danny to the measles! Think about it! ;) )

What is a legit place to get literature?  Look for actual organizations..  If you want to know about cancer, go to the American Cancer Society for a starting place.  If Aunt Edna has a drinking problem, look at AA's site.  If you have depression, like me!, personally I'd start with the NIH's site.

When you are looking up conditions or disease state, you shouldn't be trying to self-diagnosis. THAT has to come from your doctor.  But you can educate yourself once you have a diagnosis by sticking to LEGIT websites, and not those that are likely to send you into a panic. 

Until next week..  Be well, ask for help when you need it, and accept it when it's offered in good faith.

Assertiveness and handling situations

Today was our final formal discussion on assertiveness . We went over the exercise that I did on who I am/am not assertive with, why, and how it makes me feel. Oh, and what I want out of it.

It's an interesting topic for me because I'm able to speak my mind or opinions most of the time. But around certain  types of people, I allow myself to be put in a backseat and let others control my circumstances. 

When faced with those types of situations, I become indecisive and passive. A lot of it stems from how I was conditioned growing up. 

Today though, I am told I'm doing well, considering. I have my sense of humor intact. I know what it is I want for my life, I just have to take action and retake control of my path. 

The homework for this week is to write a list of changes I would like to happen...big or little, important or insignificant. It's an interesting thought. She says it will be part of an exorcise. 

Until next time...

Saisri 

Assertiveness: doesn't work the same for everyone

Sorry I'm posting this late...lost track of time. And there may have been some Heroes being played. 

Today's session was a catch up from my vacation, and finally our topic -being assertive. 

Assertiveness is about speaking your mind, sharing your feelings and thoughts, and sticking up for yourself. 

Its opposite is Passive. Agreeing just to keep the peace even when it isn't what you think or really feel, or not sticking up for yourself when you need to, saying yes/no and meaning the opposite, or even just letting others make your choices for you. 

Some of you may be surprised to know that I have issues being assertive. But thing is, it's situational. I'm usually vocal about what I think or feel. I generally don't let people walk all over me or take away my voice. 

Sometimes though, you find yourself in situations or with specific people and you immediately become passive. 

I'll share this part to maybe better explain. 

Growing up in my family was no easy task. My mother was very dominant and controlling towards me. Even as an adult I would immediately feel like I was a kid under her thumb when talking to her, even over a phone line from 2500 miles away. 

When I became an adult, I did what many of us do, and swore to never be like her. 

What that did was to become very passive with some people close to me, but I was able to hold onto some semblance of myself when outside those situations. 

Anyway, my point with all this is that you don't have to feel like something is wrong allowed the time in order to reach out for help. Sometimes we need guidance on how to handle certain situations but not all. 

Think about it. 

I'll have more on this next week after we finish talking about assertiveness next week. 

The dog ate my homework?

Time for another session of Help Me Help Me :)

In my rush this morning to get ready for work and head out the door, I forgot to grab my homework folder for my session. Today's session was supposed to be about Assertiveness. That'll be next time!

OOOPS!  (She says she forgives me :P )

Instead, we talked about a variety of things.  Things going on in my life, my kids, work, growing up..

She's pretty fascinated by my crazy home-life growing up.  I would be, too, if I was on the outside looking in!  But I get to be the one telling all the stories.

By now, this is what, my 5th session?  My doctor is getting very easy to talk to.  Granted, I haven't shared all my deepest, darkest secrets, but she hasn't asked me either.  Ask, and you shall receive..  If you don't... well, I don't have to offer, right?


At some point, I'm going to have to share all the rest of what is going on in my head with her.  Not that there is truly anything dark or whatever.  I'm not by any stretch of the word suicidal or anything like that.  I love life and my kids and find pleasure in a lot of things. 

I have trouble dealing with some specific issues.  These issues have grown into my Demon.  He's not an awful demon.. He doesn't really know any better.  He needs to learn some rules and manners and how to behave.  (Kudos to whoever can draw me a cute inner-demon).   My demon likes to pop up only once in a while, in some pretty specific situations. 

I'm also learning more and more something I think I already knew way deep down.  It isn't so much that I have a lot of issues..  I keep allowing myself to be put in situations where I risk running into my demon.

Boundaries and Assertiveness

Today's session was about personal boundaries.  My homework was to write things down that I considered boundaries and then answer some questions.

I actually found it really hard to write down what I considered boundaries..

• I don't like when strangers cuss around my kids
• I don't like when people lie to me
• I don't like it when a person feels the need to always place blame when there is none
• I don't like it when people are rude to be rude

In answering the questions, I respect other people's boundaries just fine, if not too well.  I usually hold my opinion or perspective or advice til its asked for, unless I know it would be well received.  Aside from being painfully shy around people I don't know, I don't have issues in social situations with boundaries (that was a question).


But all of this self-discovery led to this week's topic:  Assertiveness.

The trick to being assertive is to be neither Aggressive nor Passive-Aggressive.  To not be afraid to say what you think, what you want.. without being pushy, and without being passive.  To not agree with things when you don't want to.  To not go along with something, when you don't want to..

Assertiveness for me is something I can turn on and off like a switch.  Those of you who know me, know I an be assertive.  I can make myself be heard just like anyone else.  I can be happy and outgoing and all the rest..

But those of you who know me very well, know that I'm not always that person.  I put up with a lot that I shouldn't.  I keep quiet when I should speak up, and I avoid confrontation.  I am the peacekeeper. The calm one.  The passionate one when it comes to others and standing up for what's right, but not always so good at doing the same for myself.

My homework is to go through some of the people in my life, determine which ones I am non-assertive with, and rank how badly the problem is with them, 1-5.   I then have to do the same with non-aggressive behaviors. 

I have a feeling this homework might be a little difficult.

Values and Stand up?

Today's session was all about Values.  My homework for today was to choose 8 values that were important to me.  I selected mine from a list she had. We then had to write why that value was important.

These are the ones I chose:

1. Children
2. Good physical health
3. Good mental health
4. Family stability
5. Close friends 
6. Education
7. Traditions
8. Love

It's interesting having to identify things that are important to me.  Most of you who know me probably could have guessed at least half that list..  And if you're trying to figure out why I'm having to do this, my best guess is that this list, combined with this week's homework of identifying my boundaries and limits, is to help me flesh out behaviors, what I like and don't like.. And focusing more on the positive ones that I value.  Clearly, I'm not the one with this particular degree, so I'm guessing, but it makes sense.

Now what was very amusing about this session was her keying into my sense of humor.  I wear humor like armor.  It protects me, it helps me deal with things, plus, when not faced with something bad, it's just.. well, FUN!

So she was asking me questions, and I was giving my normal answers with a bit of humor, probably a bit of self-deprecating humor, cause why not?  And she was trying very hard to not crack up.  So she finally looked at me very seriously and said...

"Have you ever considered stand up comedy?"


Hahaha... 

Session 2

For today's session, I had to complete homework.  It was actually pretty interesting, but strange at the same time - at least to me.

First, I had to complete a goal sheet.  The goal sheet included things like:

• what I felt my problem was
• what I wanted my end result to be
• how I might get there
• how I might advise someone else to get there
• who might support me in my endeavor
• who or what might hinder my endeavor

I also had to complete a few pages of my family history.  Things like:

• what my childhood was like
• happiest memory (is it bad I couldn't think of one?)
• saddest memory
• relationship with my siblings
• relationship with my parents

It's hard to talk about things like this when there's pain associated with them.  That's why I had to fill it out ahead of time, I think.  So that when I got there, I just had to read my answers.

I got more homework for this week as well.  I didn't read it over much yet, but it had to do with writing about virtues I found important.


The sessions aren't too difficult, for those of you wondering.  I'm not one to talk about myself to someone I don't know well, but clearly by these blog posts, that's something that I'm working on. 

There aren't a ton of people that I let in too closely..  And those of you who get to see what I usually would never dream of sharing with the rest of the world, are able to see beyond the mask that I wear.  When you're used to people hurting you (and I'm speaking emotionally here), you tend to be very guarded.


Anyway, that's today's session.  Next week, we'll finish talking about my childhood and then I'm guessing talk about the virtues and stuff..


Are you thinking of asking for help?  Check with your insurance. You can also see if your company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP).  Often there are programs there to help that may cost little to nothing, or be free for so long before you pay a copay.  You should look into it.  You can join me on my quest!

The next step...

Today I met with my new counselor.   She seems like a very nice lady.  We talked for a while as she asked questions about my health, my family, my state of mind, and what led up to me seeking help.. 

It wasn't too bad talking to her.  I'm much better at answering questions than just coming up with things to say in that type of situation, but it wasn't horrible. 

She did give me homework! I have a goal sheet and a questionnaire and some informative info to go over.  I'll be seeing her weekly at first, and then going from there.

I'll write more as I go through it and let you know.

My Journey to destroy depression - or at least my own.

Firstly, thank you to everyone who is stopping by to read all this..

I want to start with my tweets from Tuesday that began everything.  I'm just going to copy the text instead of having all the pictures here.. 


Tweets from 4/21/15 but smushed together into actual paragraphs instead of 140 char limits:

I've been very vocal on my thoughts and opinions on depression, and so I'm going to share my continuing saga.

The last I said on it was that I've been self-managing myself - meaning, working on my issues without outside help of dr or drug currently.

Not judging medicines. Everyone's situation is different. I've self-managed for several years and have always had a good grasp of where I'm at emotionally or mentally.  Sometimes, though, being strong doesn't mean doing it yourself.  Sometimes being strong means asking for help. And that is completely ok!

I called up my doctor today and I'll be seeing him on Thursday. This is what I need right now. And it's ok, too!

Know what you can handle and what you can't and never forget to reach out when you can't!

I'll update when I have more info, but feel free to reach out to me if you need to chat (or to anyone if you don't want to talk to me! :) )

And now for the continuation!

Let me tell you how a normal appointment goes with my doctor.  I walk in with a smile. I say hi to everyone make jokes about my weight when I'm on the scale.  When the MA comes in, we laugh and joke.  When the doctor comes in, other than the handshake, we sound like 2 old friends catching up.  We each with our sarcasm go through whatever ailment brought me in, we agree on a plan, and we part ways..


This morning was different. I went in like normal, but when the nice MA came in to do her portion and asked what I was in for, I kept smiling but my voice broke.  Sweet as can be, she asked all her items, and then left me with a smile and a "Hope you feel better soon!"  (I love this office).

I was prepared this time to let my doctor see that I'm not okay.  When he came in, he knew instantly - INSTANTLY- that something was wrong.

He then asked me what's been going on.  And do you know what I did?  I told him the truth.

(Sounds obvious, but this is really important.  If you can admit to your doctor that something is wrong, they can't help you.  You have to help them help you by being Honest.)

We had a good 35-40 min chat?  He would ask questions, and I would answer them and tell him how I was feeling.  He would listen intently and ask more questions...all the while jotting things down.

(They do have to document so that if this is prolonged, they can see your growth or triggers or whatever it is they are looking for.)

As we were winding down, I was feeling better.  Someone who might actually be able to help me and was focused on solely me - and if you know me, that's a big deal..

He did prescribe Zoloft for now.  I knew he would.  I clearly need help right now.  I'm not able to do it on my own like I normally do.  I gratefully accepted the prescription.

He also recommended me to see a therapist he knows and respects.  That I also knew was coming.  If he hadn't offered it to me, I was going to ask.  The medicine will help me with my symptoms, but it won't fix the problem.

EDIT - I forgot to mention.  He also ordered a full lab workup done for blood tests.  As he said, he wants to rule out anything "organic." - meaning, is there something else causing my symptoms.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I began my Zoloft today (generic of course. Not brand. Brand names are expensive!)

I called and left a message at his therapist friend's practice.  I'll follow up with that again and do some of my own homework there.

I am sure there will be more to come, but that sums up today.


(Side Note - I am a HUGE proponent of always telling your PCP everything, including what you see other doctors for.  The more they know, and the better they know you, the faster they can get to the bottom of what is going on.) 

Loyalty and friendships

It takes a lot to get me riled up over something.  I am not quick to anger or easy to jump to conclusions.  I weigh facts, use personal experience and make the most educated decision as possible.

This past week was decidedly marked with problems.  Some were those of a friend, some were my own.

Those of my friend were broadcast for the world to see. Open to anyone who wished to view them and make an opinion.  Available for anyone to weigh in.  Weigh in, I did. There are a lot of times when bad things happen to good people.  Our society doesn't have an answer for every type of scenario, and it is often left for a grouping of things to be lumped together and treated the same.  After reading what he had to say and wholeheartedly believing him,  I felt this friend was in need of seeing that he still had friends on his side.  I did take to twitter, and tried to share my opinion as eloquently as I could.  There were a lot of people who agreed with me, and I was happy to see it.

There were a few who were a little surprised at how quickly I came to bat for this friend and how strongly my opinion came across.

What can I say?  I'm a passionate person.

Confession - I'm downright a lion at heart when it comes to defending friends and family.

I'm usually a closed up person.  I have a ton of walls and twice as many layers.  I let people get close to me, but I don't normally strip back all the layers and let people in completely.  My fellow FERT raiders are family to me.  I've had the pleasure of meeting and becoming good friends with several of them here in the real life. ;)

My team gets to see a part of me that most people don't.  I am relaxed.  I have fun.  I rarely hold back and I get to be my actual self.  It's a fantastic feeling.  Everyone should have that luxury.  The ones that know me in person get to see even more.

It isn't that I try to keep people out or that I try to hide behind these walls, but it is hard for me to let people in.  But once you take the time to work through those layers, what you find is the most loyal of friends.  Not afraid of a fight.  Not willing to back down in defense of a friend.  The kind of friend who sticks by you no matter what.


So it surprised some when I took a strong stance.  And I stand by that stance and that decision.  I made the right decision as far as I'm concerned.   I think even my friend might have been a little surprised. Haha


One other side effect that came out of all of this, was the lowering of a few more layers around my friends.  They (whether they wanted to or not) got to see a bit more of the side of me that I usually keep very private.  While I still won't discuss it all in a blog, there were emotions and stress and such that were shared and part of me is sorry.  Part of me is happy that I have friends to be able to share these things with.

I've known the majority of my team for about a year now.  There are friends who have known me for 10 that have only gotten a bit more of the story that the FERTers did. 

I guess there are a couple of points to all these ramblings.

Everyone has a deep, dark closet.  Some people have bigger skeletons, some people have smaller ones.  Some people only have one, some people have many.

Everyone has a past. The present and the future are what should matter. Hindsight is 20/20. It's easy to say what should have or could have happened after the fact.  Our past doesn't decide who we are, but how we learn and grow from our past does.

When you are talking about a person, whether you know them in person or not, be respectful.  Pixels or flesh, we are all real people with real thoughts, opinions and feelings.  Treat people how you want to be treated.

And just because some people can be quiet..  maybe they don't talk to you directly a lot.. maybe they don't often weigh in on your question or thought or comment..   It doesn't mean that they don't consider you their friend.  Sometimes it's just easier to open up to some people than others.


Maybe more people should open up a conversation with, "Hello, friend(s)!" 

An Open Letter to the Late Robin Williams (or anyone suffering with depression)

Dear Robin,

I never got to meet you, but I have watched you on screen for nearly 40 years.  You made countless people laugh, cry, or most often times, both at the same time.  The whole world knew of you, but only a small percentage actually knew you.

You and I, we have some things in common.  We are both known for our characters, the roles that we choose to play.  You of course were on screen, bringing countless characters to life.  I, on the other hand, have been known for the better part of 15 years by the characters that I choose to play in various online communities. 

That is another thing that we share in common: our love of video games.  There is nothing quite like having the ability to immerse yourself into another world and forget your troubles for a while.  There is nothing like being just one in the crowd, like everyone else, having just enough anonymity to be yourself without the world knowing your name.  World of Warcraft was just one of those worlds, and the online community mourns your passing. 


We have another thing in common together, and it's even bigger than our love of video games.  Depression.  It is a difficult word to put in writing sometimes.  It is a word that carries stigmas and judgements.  It is a word that labels us, tries to define us, and changes how the world perceives us.

There is something you have to watch out for though, when you have a combination of video games and Depression.  You can surround yourself with people, sometimes the very best of people, and still manage to feel alone. There are days where I log into one of the biggest guilds in WoW, and I can feel more alone than if 10 people were online and having a conversation.  It can be way too easy to find yourself  lost in the crowd, a faceless, voiceless set of pixels.  You have to actively fight that, though.  You have to fight to be heard, and sometimes the person you have to fight the most with is yourself.

There was a joke I saw once:  "I came to a decision, but it wasn't unanimous."  The joke refers to the voice, or voices, in your head that guides you.  Those of us that have depression know those voices well.  The ones that try and convince us to give up.  The ones that try to tell us that no one out there cares, that no one out there is there for us.

The voices are wrong, though.  They always are.  It's hard to push them away.  I get it.  I think the only reason I get everything in my head to balance most days is because I try to be the most logical optimist possible.  Logical Optimist, heh.. It's almost an oxymoron, but it works for me.  I try to be optimistic, but in the most realistic sort of way.  I also try to manage my stress as best as I can.  Stress can not only trigger my migraines (which I manage rather well), but it can send me spiraling out of control if I let it.

But please don't think that I manage it all just fine every day.  I most certainly don't.  When I heard the news about you on Monday, it hit me really hard. And when that was layered with a lot of stresses that I'm already dealing with?  The depression was really close to hitting hard by Monday night.  I got through it. Okay, barely.  But I managed to skirt the worst of it, I think. 

Depression hurts.  So much of it is internal, often times unable to be detected by those around you.  There will always be some who can see it, who can read what you hide behind your eyes.  Everyone should have at least one of that kind of friend or relative.  The person who sees you for who you are, no matter how high you build your walls to keep the outside from seeing the feelings you hide. 

It is sometimes hard to find that right kind of person that you need in your life.  It is all too easy to surround yourself with the ones who make everything in life about themselves.  There's no worse feeling about depression (that I've experienced) than hitting that dark place, and having people around you make it about them.  I resorted to allowing my doctor to prescribe me help two different times over the course of the last 12 years or so.  I was actually made to feel guilty that needed to be taking something.  It was easier for me to cope without it, than to be on it plus the guilt.  And the guilt was not from myself, mind you.  It was from other people.  I am working on weeding the garden of people in my life, if you will.  I've already pulled some difficult weeds, and I'm continuing to do so.


No one that has depression needs to ever feel alone.  You have to learn how to remove a wall, remove one of your layers that you wrap yourself up in so that you can let someone in.  Depression isn't something you can manage on your own.  It does start with you, though.  You have to acknowledge it, accept it, and be willing to face it head on in order to move past it, or to even just get through it.


I can't begin to imagine the pain you must have felt at the end.  You'll have to forgive me if I don't want to.  You see, I've often said to others, "The moment I begin to understand why a person does a particular thing, it means I'm thinking like them."  I usually attribute that sentiment towards criminals and despicable human beings, but I can see now it also can pertain to suicide.  I don't have a desire to walk down that dark road alone, to decipher what you must have been thinking. 

What I do know is that while you were a light in the world to so many while you were alive in this crazy world with us, you've now become a light in the dark to people to reach for now that you're gone.  You've helped bring the subject of depression, and mental health in general for that matter, back to the front of the stage.  Your passing has given a voice to so many.  I don't know that it was your intent, but even in death, you are helping those around you, around the world!

As sad as I am at your passing, I acknowledge your pain, but I will not disservice you by remembering you by it, as the guy who passed because he was depressed.  I want to think of you as the man who lived his life to the fullest, who enjoyed making people laugh.

I'd rather remember you laughing, anyway.

Sincerely,
Kelly
AKA:
     Saisri - WoW: Earthen Ring

     Previously known as:
     Katissa - WoW: Hellscream
     Katinka, Brissen, Brissy - Everquest: The Rathe

      and a host of other names and games.



Do you need help with your depression?  Are you contemplating suicide?  Reach out to someone who can and wants to help you.  Everyone is deserving of help.  You just have to ask for it.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

          www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Off the beaten track... into the Real World we go

I'm going to start out by saying, this is not a game related post..  Its more of a rant and a WTH is wrong with you, society?  It is my opinion.  It is my strong opinion.  The only request I have is that when you're done reading it, that no ones tries to make it political or about gun control, cause if you do, you've missed my point entirely.

That's my disclaimer.  And what a way to jump back into my blog!


I was reading the news this morning.  It is something I do almost every day. I like to know current events and what is going on in the world outside my own little world.  And more often than not, there is some horrible story of violence or death or something that is just simply not okay.  But when that story involves kids, it just brings on a whole new meaning and whole different kind of questioning.

Parents out there, WTH?

The first story this morning that I read is this article out of Connecticut. Apparently a boy asked a girl to prom.  She said no.  So boy stabs girl.

WHAT?

What have we been doing to our kids in today's society.  In a world where kids all get trophies and everyone gets a prize, we are teaching our kids to always expect something.  It is preventing our kids from learning about disappointment and how to deal with that.

What went through this boy's mind this morning?  Could he really not take the disappointment of being rejected by a girl for prom?  Even if this was extremely disappointing, what makes him suddenly think that if she won't go with him, he must stab her?  I don't understand how the normal is becoming violence in our schools.

Remember when we just had to worry about Violence in the Workplace?  Now, we have to worry about our kids going off the handle at school.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about bullying and the effects that it has on kids.  I will say, that parents could be helping their children more by talking to them early about how to deal with bullies, about their self-worth and self-confidence and help build our children up properly so that they can't be pulled down by the words or actions of another.

But back to Connecticut, I don't understand why more people don't see this huge disconnect in our society.

I have two kids of my own.  As of this post, they are 4 yrs old and 8 yrs old.  They are not perfect children.  On a good day, they might loosely resemble a perfect child.  They are normal, healthy, happy kids.  And they are used to disappointment.  My kids do have things, but they don't have everything.  When they ask for something, they get told "No."  A lot.  You don't need gadget XYZ, because you have ABC and you should be happy with that gadget you already have because there are kids who have nothing.  

Yes, sometimes I sound like my generation's parents.

Both my kids happen to take Karate.  They both could go to the tournaments and earn a participation medal for every event that they can participate in...  But they don't.  Why?  Cause they have to earn the right to even GO to the tournament.  I don't just say, hey let's go.  I say, have you been behaved? Have you picked up your toys? Have you picked up your dirty laundry that you tossed on the floor 2 feet from the laundry basket you have in your room?

I don't have perfect kids, but I do have kids that have manners.  They say please and thank you.  They ask for things and don't demand them.  They understand that when we're in a store and I say "No" it actually means "No."

Its about teaching our kids boundaries and right from wrong and how to deal with life.  It is okay to teach your kids that being special to You as their parent.  They should believe that you have their back and their best interests at heart.  But it is not okay to teach your child that they are so special they should have a pedestal to stand on. Not everyone is going to be the fastest or the strongest or the best reader or the smartest in math or whatever it might be.  Kids need to learn early that not everyone is good at everything and that is okay.  Instead of getting a medal or trophy for everything they do, they should be spending their time having fun and learning about what THEY are good at and then focusing on that if they wish.

Kids should have to learn that there are winning teams and losing teams.  And the losing teams should say "Congratulations" to the winner for coming out on top that day and then practice harder to do better next time.  Winning teams should say "Good game!" to the losing team.  And they shouldn't gloat and throw it in their faces.  They played hard that day and it showed off.. and they should go back to practicing because someone else may come along who is better than they are.

Instead of good sportsmanship these days, we promote making it easy or not keeping score or whatever it takes to not make kids upset.  But how are they ever going to grow into teenagers and into adults if they don't understand how life is?  I understand wanting to shelter your kids, but how does that help them later in life?  What is going to happen when they graduate college and expect that high paying job the moment they get out of school because that's what they were told would happen, and they don't get hired where they want. Maybe they don't get hired at all at first.  Maybe that retail job at the mall is necessary so they can pay their bills while they try to get hired on at that dream job?  

Wait, sorry.. We're teaching them to stay living at home as long as possible.  We'll protect them from that first failure and they can keep living at home with their allowance til they get a job.  And then they can probably stay at home, too.  

I don't want my kids to leave.  But I also understand that at some point, they need to spread their wings and fly.  You can't soar if you don't fly.


Let's take this second article for that I stumbled on this morning..  3 teenagers from PA (15, 15, and 16 yrs of age) decide to go shooting.. They decide its a good idea to shoot onto someone's property at a donkey that just so happens to be the family pet.  They think it'll be a good choice to each shoot the donkey 6 times for fun.

What?  There's so many breakdowns in this little article that my head spins.  Where are the parents?  If these boys were taught to shoot as boys, where was the part about instilling in them responsibility or preservation of life or about cruelty in general?  This is not a gun issue.  This is about parents choosing to teach their children something and not doing so in a responsible and thorough manner. Guns are not about sport in this manner.  It is not supposed to be 3 kids who decide for fun to go shooting things that are living and breathing for no reason other than because they can.  Hunting is one thing. This was not hunting.

What about the consequences and what could have happened..  They were shooting onto someone's property.  What if they missed?  What if they shot someone accidentally?  What if they hurt someone?  Guns are not toys or a pastime for irresponsibility.   You want to go shooting? Have your parents take you somewhere safe, a range, the side of a hill, something..  Target practice.. They make targets that don't live and breath and belong to someone.  They make these things out of paper, and you can hang it up and shoot at it all you want.

And why did they do this anyway?  My guess is one of them will say, "We were bored.."

Parents, this answer is killing me. Maybe not the right choice of words here, but go with it.  When have we stopped teaching our kids how to amuse themselves but in a good way.  We now spend their childhood arranging all their activities and their play times and play dates and keeping them amused til exhaustion sets in (for us, not them.).  

Kids need to learn how to make good and bad choices.  They need to learn themselves, YOUNG, and make mistakes and be taught to learn from them before they start to grow up with raging teenage hormones and heads full of bad choices because they want to rebel against their overly-structured lives.

Don't get me wrong.  I know kids are going to rebel. And even kids you think are good kids are going to make bad choices.  I get that.  Again, I do not have perfect kids.

But one thing we can be teaching them young is about Life - not just what we live, but living creatures and the Earth.

We can be teaching them about Property - property belongs to someone, it may not be yours but it does belong to someone. It is not okay to destroy it, wreck it, graffiti on it, knock it over, hit with anything, shoot at it, whatever.

We can teach them be caring people.  Help other people. Think of other people, not just themselves.

Help the old guy across the street instead of making fun of him, calling him names or knocking him down.   Help Grandma with some chores without being asked.
Offer to help the lady load or unload her groceries from the car.

At one time, this was the norm.  In a struggle to be different from the generation before us and swearing off being anything like our parents, we are missing out in teaching our kids valuable life lessons that would help them in life when we're not there to guide them. No, our parents definitely didn't always do it right.  Some of us know better than others on that one.   But even the generation before them (many of whom are raising their grandchildren), valued life lessons and character over the number trophies that were cluttering the shelves and closets.


My confession for this post?  I've been wanting to put all this into words for sometime, but just haven't.  I don't want to tell people how to raise their kids... I just wish more people understood the long term effects of the choices we make.

That and in our family we also teach some other things.  Our second language is Sarcasm.  Our motto is if it isn't Broken, Bleeding, the person isn't dying, and the person isn't throwing up, you're tattling unless there's a point to what you're about to say.  There's one meal made at dinner time. Its called Dinner.  If you don't like it, make your own version of dinner.  If you don't eat, no snacks.   Going to bed hungry IS an option.

I see a little time has lapsed...

Its been a few days since I've gotten to sit down and write anything in my journal.  Alright, so its closer to a week.  Let's see...

October 10th -
A hunting we went.  We again  headed into the siege, our merry band and I, to try and vanquish the Sha of Pride.  He proved to be a mighty foe that evening, but little did he know, his days were numbered.

October 11th and 12th - You didn't miss anything :)

October 13th -
Good ole' Sunday the 13th    Our mighty band was scattered to the four winds.  We pulled together those of us that could be found.  Alachaas stood in front of the Sha and showed him some pride of his own.   At his side, we threw Hawkito.  Al clapped him on the back and they prepared for battle. 

The Sha pushed us back the first couple of times we attacked, but finally, amongst the clatter of weapons and armor, voices arose..

"We've got this!  Attack, attack"

"Just breathe!"



And then a deathly howl arose as the great beast fell.  The Sha of Pride was defeated.



Great job, Team!   4 Foes defeated.

I have broken through another barrier!

I wandered around Timeless some last night.  Hopped to one chest, died dropping to another (ehh, I never was good at aiming to land on a target.  Ask the people at the Darkmoon Faire).

I helped out with the Ghost Ship and I tagged something else as I ran by.  I managed to get some Timeless coins together so I went to explore the Monkey Treasure Chest Cave.  <- That's my new name for it.

As usual, I bypassed all the big shiny chests and went looking for all the small, mundane-looking, passed-over chests.  What did my hunting yeild?    A new shiny ring!!   And what did that do for me?  I am now ilvl 501!   I've broken the 500 barrier!

Alright, so while that is incredibly exciting for me, I'm sure not everyone was impressed.  So thank you to those who were happy for me :)


I didn't end up getting much else accomplished.  In real life, I still have a ripped up house from our impromptu, unexpected remodel.  The contractor was out today to get all his info together to make his estimate.  Still waiting to find out when my house will be put back together, better than before.

That said, I hope to venture around Azeroth tonight and see what else I can upgrade and get myself into.  Maybe I'll finally have enough sit-down time at my desk to actually get into an LFR like I keep wanting to.

I suppose we'll just have to see what happens.

~Saisri

Sunday Funnies

Last night, the raid team ventured behind Norushen into the lair of the Sha of Pride.  He was big.  He was ugly.  And we almost had him!

What a fight! There were bodies everywhere!
Run here!
Run there!
Run away!   (Sir Robin's minstrels may or may not have made an appearance.)
Run back!
And people kept getting thrown into prison (what's with that!?  Stop getting caught!)

And above all ?  It was FUN!

And it was crazy.  I had Holy Word: Sanctuary down for the tanks and kept refreshing that as often as I could.  I had a lightwell going for them, too.  And I kept tossing group heals. 

The debuffing that was needed sucked if you didn't get the Gift of the Titans.  I got it a bunch of times, but most often, I'd get it at the very beginning of the fight when no one needed it. 

Chaotic and fun, with people I am coming to really enjoy the company of.  It was awesome.

Confession...

I said to the raid  "The power of Pride compels thee!  The power of Pride compels thee!"

And only one person got it.  Thanks for having my back, Medi :)



Confession for this morning...

Not necessarily due to the raid, I am tired today.  The cheap coffee here today sucks.  And I'm out of coffee creamer at work. Yes, I could spring for the coffee in the cafeteria, but that doesn't cover the fact that the coffee sucked.

I'm so tired I can't even keep writing this in character!

~Saisri (sort of...)