It occurred to me today as I was driving home from work that it can be pretty difficult to give someone an accurate description of what its like when you're deep in throws of a depression fit. Yes, I said fit. Depression can ebb and flow. It isn't always constant.
It's like being adrift in the ocean. Nothing to hold onto to. Nothing or no one within reach. You're tired. You're achy. And you wonder to yourself if it would be easier to give in and let the waves take you.
When someone tries to reach out to you, sometimes it feels like they are 50 yards away from you. Holding out a hand to you. Not able to reach you. Calling to you, but their voice is sometimes drowned out by the sound of the waves.
This can sound pretty dismal, huh? But you know what? It isn't up to that person to save you from your depression at that point. They can help you and they can guide you or lead you. The real hero of this story though has to be YOU.
You need to call to the person reaching out. Tell them where you are or how to find you. You have to swim as hard as you can and reach for that hand.
Depression can make you feel alone. It's hard enough that it can make you feel like your entire world is caving in and suffocating you. But it makes you feel so alone.
Sometimes depression can make you isolate yourself, whether you are conscious of it or not. You can inadvertently push people away.
This isn't to be confused when you purposely and intentionally cut people from your life that are preventing you from living a mentally healthy life. It is still super important to remove toxic people from your life.
I did have a session last week. It's just been super busy between kids, and work and the in-law's farm.
The session went well.. It gives me time away, to think, to chat with someone who is interested in what I have to say (and not just because I pay her). Sometimes I think I hold back too much from her. I don't know.
In moments like this, I just don't have the answers.
I can sound like I do (see all that above).
I can try and convince myself (see all that above).
Sometimes it's all about how you get to that point each time. Did your work not go well? Did you get into an argument with your significant other? Are you having a hard time with change? Have you been hurt?
I know what my "questions" are and which I have the answers to.
Part of how this all started tonight, as a topic, is when I used the (censored) saying "Up the creek without a paddle." The 5 year old really need this to be explained, and the 9 year old argued about the meaning til I started explaining it further - which sounds an awful lot like how this post started.
I think my bottom line for tonight is to really think about this. How does it compare to where you are? Are you letting the waves close in on you? Or are you swimming like hell to get to those trying to help you?
The goal is to find a way to enjoy the ocean again.
-Saisri
Friday, August 28, 2015
Saturday, August 8, 2015
A wee bit overdue..
It has been too long, my friends. Too long.
Firstly, my apologies. I've been hung up on what to write after these last 2 sessions. I'm on an every two week schedule now, and these last 2 have been less Topic-Oriented and more conversation-based.
Second, I've been trying to figure out how to put what's been going on in my head onto paper, or even into conversation.
You see, something that's very important about these sessions (any sessions) is that honesty is key. Honesty with yourself, with your therapist, with your inner circle. And all three of those need to be in place.
And here's where I've failed.
If there is one person that I'm excellent at hiding the truth from, it's myself. There are days I can convince myself that everything is okay. There are days where I can convince myself I'm fine.
I'm not always fine. And that's okay. It actually is. The problem is that I have to be honest with myself about why things aren't fine. And then handle it appropriately.
Back to my old favorite:
I also haven't been 100% honest with my therapist either. I haven't lied. Well, by omission perhaps. I haven't told her everything that is "wrong" and after leaving the last session feeling empty still, I think it's time.
The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.
I've been pondering that a lot lately. I think there's only one face though, covered by many masks. Everyone has layers, lots and lots of layers. And those that are allowed in to your circle have pealed away more than those on the outside. And those few that you have let all the way in, are still held at bay by a layer of mask (s). Very rarely, you let someone in further than any other. And that singular person is usually responsible for the number of masks you wear. They have the ability to strip them away, or to cause you to add more.
I think I'm going to have a lot to talk about next time.
~Saisri
Firstly, my apologies. I've been hung up on what to write after these last 2 sessions. I'm on an every two week schedule now, and these last 2 have been less Topic-Oriented and more conversation-based.
Second, I've been trying to figure out how to put what's been going on in my head onto paper, or even into conversation.
You see, something that's very important about these sessions (any sessions) is that honesty is key. Honesty with yourself, with your therapist, with your inner circle. And all three of those need to be in place.
And here's where I've failed.
If there is one person that I'm excellent at hiding the truth from, it's myself. There are days I can convince myself that everything is okay. There are days where I can convince myself I'm fine.
I'm not always fine. And that's okay. It actually is. The problem is that I have to be honest with myself about why things aren't fine. And then handle it appropriately.
Back to my old favorite:
- God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
- The courage to change the things I can,
- And the wisdom to know the difference.
I also haven't been 100% honest with my therapist either. I haven't lied. Well, by omission perhaps. I haven't told her everything that is "wrong" and after leaving the last session feeling empty still, I think it's time.
The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.
I've been pondering that a lot lately. I think there's only one face though, covered by many masks. Everyone has layers, lots and lots of layers. And those that are allowed in to your circle have pealed away more than those on the outside. And those few that you have let all the way in, are still held at bay by a layer of mask (s). Very rarely, you let someone in further than any other. And that singular person is usually responsible for the number of masks you wear. They have the ability to strip them away, or to cause you to add more.
I think I'm going to have a lot to talk about next time.
~Saisri
Saturday, July 11, 2015
You're good! For now.
This week's appointment was Wednesday, but I've been non-stop running around this week. That's why this blog is courtesy of 6AM, Completed Chores, COFFEE!, and a quiet house with kids sleeping.
I went into this week's appointment expecting to go over the homework of how I would deal with Procrastination. I may have written the homework a mere hours before the appointment.
But we didn't talk about that.
Instead we just Talked. My interests, my hobbies.. What are my stress relievers, my go-tos. How is my circle of friends doing? How's the foundation?
Turns out, she also crochets, which is nice. We shared pictures, talked about the kids, etc..
"You're good, for now." She says.
What? I'm okay? ME? There was a good hearty laugh.
My stress levels are currently at a low. I'm managing my anxiety and depression. Apparently, I'm at DEFCON LOW or GREEN, or something?
I went into this week's appointment expecting to go over the homework of how I would deal with Procrastination. I may have written the homework a mere hours before the appointment.
But we didn't talk about that.
Instead we just Talked. My interests, my hobbies.. What are my stress relievers, my go-tos. How is my circle of friends doing? How's the foundation?
Turns out, she also crochets, which is nice. We shared pictures, talked about the kids, etc..
"You're good, for now." She says.
What? I'm okay? ME? There was a good hearty laugh.
My stress levels are currently at a low. I'm managing my anxiety and depression. Apparently, I'm at DEFCON LOW or GREEN, or something?
Well, maybe Guarded is a better option. DEFCON Guarded. Sounds like a good stance for me.
I don't need to see her for 2 weeks this time. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about that. I've come to really enjoy these sessions. Having someone make me focus on me instead of the trillion other things going through my head. And if I would start to change the focus, she'd bring me back.
Not everything or everyone in life is under my control. The only person under my control is Me. I have to be responsible for me first before anything else. If I am good, if my foundation is good, then I can be that person for others. The stronger my foundation is, the more I can take on. Because I'm strong.
Interestingly enough (and maybe you know me, or maybe I've said this part before), I'm great most of the time. I can take on the world. I can be the most loyal of friends, the big mama bear for my kids, the pillar that holds everything up. I can be that.
I am that.
But there are things that I have been dealing with that have just disrupted everything. Cracks in the foundation. A few little problems, a few little (big) things, and my whole structure, my whole core has weakened.
These sessions are helping me patch and fix all those cracks. It isn't like we can just put a band-aid on things and be done with it. Some parts need to be completely demolished the rest of the way and rebuilt.
Hmm. Writing that out actually makes it make even more sense to me. I'm not going through a crisis. I'm going through a REMODEL!
This needs to be a new code word.
How are you doing?
Great, I'm remodeling...
Anyone else remodeling? Remodeling works so much better when you have friends there to help share the work load. Those friends who would drop everything for you and give you their greatest gift - TIME. Those are the ones you need to ask.
You should try that if you haven't already. A few great friends are worth more than 100s of random friends and acquaintances..
My next appointment is the week before Nerdtacular. I'll try and get a blog post in next week anyway and check in.
Until then..
Saisri
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Calling it what it is..
It's a new week and a new post! Another therapy session behind me.
Today we caught up on life over the past week. Living day by day and week by week is an interesting experience after going, going, going and realizing you've lost track of time again and it's 6 months later.
We caught up on last week's homework. Things I'd like to change. I made a list of 6 things that I would change, mostly all related to each other. And from that list will be next week's assignment, to choose one and look at it from 3 months into the future to discuss how I solved the problem or made the change.
The one I chose to write about for next week is Procrastination. I haven't written anything yet, but I have ideas already.
The point of this exercise is to view something from the desired end result, and figure out what you needed to do to get there. But when you write it, you wrote it as if you have already done it and you're looking back. It's to give another perspective on solving a particular issue. I purposely (and sheepishly) chose an easier one on my list this time, so that my first time doing this wouldn't be tackling the one I have no idea. She knowingly told me that we'd be tackling it eventually, so this strategy was fine.
We also talked about calling things what they are, and how people don't always know how to put names to what they are experiencing until someone else says the name.
For example, some people who drink too much may not see it as a problem until someone else points it out to them and calls it what it is, Alcoholism. (and even then, they may not see it.)
DISCLAIMER! I'm not being seen for Alcoholism :P I'm keeping my specifics out of it as usual. My issues are all related to my depression, but the scenario fit what I was trying to say.
Anyway, when someone tells you that you have an issue, before automatically firing back, find yourself a legit brochure or LEGIT website (Stay off the WEBMD, people! Otherwise, you'll be living Oregon trail and having to lose Uncle Jim to Influenza and little Danny to the measles! Think about it! ;) )
What is a legit place to get literature? Look for actual organizations.. If you want to know about cancer, go to the American Cancer Society for a starting place. If Aunt Edna has a drinking problem, look at AA's site. If you have depression, like me!, personally I'd start with the NIH's site.
When you are looking up conditions or disease state, you shouldn't be trying to self-diagnosis. THAT has to come from your doctor. But you can educate yourself once you have a diagnosis by sticking to LEGIT websites, and not those that are likely to send you into a panic.
Until next week.. Be well, ask for help when you need it, and accept it when it's offered in good faith.
Today we caught up on life over the past week. Living day by day and week by week is an interesting experience after going, going, going and realizing you've lost track of time again and it's 6 months later.
We caught up on last week's homework. Things I'd like to change. I made a list of 6 things that I would change, mostly all related to each other. And from that list will be next week's assignment, to choose one and look at it from 3 months into the future to discuss how I solved the problem or made the change.
The one I chose to write about for next week is Procrastination. I haven't written anything yet, but I have ideas already.
The point of this exercise is to view something from the desired end result, and figure out what you needed to do to get there. But when you write it, you wrote it as if you have already done it and you're looking back. It's to give another perspective on solving a particular issue. I purposely (and sheepishly) chose an easier one on my list this time, so that my first time doing this wouldn't be tackling the one I have no idea. She knowingly told me that we'd be tackling it eventually, so this strategy was fine.
We also talked about calling things what they are, and how people don't always know how to put names to what they are experiencing until someone else says the name.
For example, some people who drink too much may not see it as a problem until someone else points it out to them and calls it what it is, Alcoholism. (and even then, they may not see it.)
DISCLAIMER! I'm not being seen for Alcoholism :P I'm keeping my specifics out of it as usual. My issues are all related to my depression, but the scenario fit what I was trying to say.
Anyway, when someone tells you that you have an issue, before automatically firing back, find yourself a legit brochure or LEGIT website (Stay off the WEBMD, people! Otherwise, you'll be living Oregon trail and having to lose Uncle Jim to Influenza and little Danny to the measles! Think about it! ;) )
What is a legit place to get literature? Look for actual organizations.. If you want to know about cancer, go to the American Cancer Society for a starting place. If Aunt Edna has a drinking problem, look at AA's site. If you have depression, like me!, personally I'd start with the NIH's site.
When you are looking up conditions or disease state, you shouldn't be trying to self-diagnosis. THAT has to come from your doctor. But you can educate yourself once you have a diagnosis by sticking to LEGIT websites, and not those that are likely to send you into a panic.
Until next week.. Be well, ask for help when you need it, and accept it when it's offered in good faith.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Assertiveness and handling situations
Today was our final formal discussion on assertiveness . We went over the exercise that I did on who I am/am not assertive with, why, and how it makes me feel. Oh, and what I want out of it.
It's an interesting topic for me because I'm able to speak my mind or opinions most of the time. But around certain types of people, I allow myself to be put in a backseat and let others control my circumstances.
When faced with those types of situations, I become indecisive and passive. A lot of it stems from how I was conditioned growing up.
Today though, I am told I'm doing well, considering. I have my sense of humor intact. I know what it is I want for my life, I just have to take action and retake control of my path.
The homework for this week is to write a list of changes I would like to happen...big or little, important or insignificant. It's an interesting thought. She says it will be part of an exorcise.
Until next time...
Saisri
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Assertiveness: doesn't work the same for everyone
Sorry I'm posting this late...lost track of time. And there may have been some Heroes being played.
Assertiveness is about speaking your mind, sharing your feelings and thoughts, and sticking up for yourself.
Its opposite is Passive. Agreeing just to keep the peace even when it isn't what you think or really feel, or not sticking up for yourself when you need to, saying yes/no and meaning the opposite, or even just letting others make your choices for you.
Some of you may be surprised to know that I have issues being assertive. But thing is, it's situational. I'm usually vocal about what I think or feel. I generally don't let people walk all over me or take away my voice.
Sometimes though, you find yourself in situations or with specific people and you immediately become passive.
I'll share this part to maybe better explain.
Growing up in my family was no easy task. My mother was very dominant and controlling towards me. Even as an adult I would immediately feel like I was a kid under her thumb when talking to her, even over a phone line from 2500 miles away.
When I became an adult, I did what many of us do, and swore to never be like her.
What that did was to become very passive with some people close to me, but I was able to hold onto some semblance of myself when outside those situations.
Anyway, my point with all this is that you don't have to feel like something is wrong allowed the time in order to reach out for help. Sometimes we need guidance on how to handle certain situations but not all.
Think about it.
I'll have more on this next week after we finish talking about assertiveness next week.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
The dog ate my homework?
Time for another session of Help Me Help Me :)
In my rush this morning to get ready for work and head out the door, I forgot to grab my homework folder for my session. Today's session was supposed to be about Assertiveness. That'll be next time!
OOOPS! (She says she forgives me :P )
Instead, we talked about a variety of things. Things going on in my life, my kids, work, growing up..
She's pretty fascinated by my crazy home-life growing up. I would be, too, if I was on the outside looking in! But I get to be the one telling all the stories.
By now, this is what, my 5th session? My doctor is getting very easy to talk to. Granted, I haven't shared all my deepest, darkest secrets, but she hasn't asked me either. Ask, and you shall receive.. If you don't... well, I don't have to offer, right?
At some point, I'm going to have to share all the rest of what is going on in my head with her. Not that there is truly anything dark or whatever. I'm not by any stretch of the word suicidal or anything like that. I love life and my kids and find pleasure in a lot of things.
I have trouble dealing with some specific issues. These issues have grown into my Demon. He's not an awful demon.. He doesn't really know any better. He needs to learn some rules and manners and how to behave. (Kudos to whoever can draw me a cute inner-demon). My demon likes to pop up only once in a while, in some pretty specific situations.
I'm also learning more and more something I think I already knew way deep down. It isn't so much that I have a lot of issues.. I keep allowing myself to be put in situations where I risk running into my demon.
In my rush this morning to get ready for work and head out the door, I forgot to grab my homework folder for my session. Today's session was supposed to be about Assertiveness. That'll be next time!
OOOPS! (She says she forgives me :P )
Instead, we talked about a variety of things. Things going on in my life, my kids, work, growing up..
She's pretty fascinated by my crazy home-life growing up. I would be, too, if I was on the outside looking in! But I get to be the one telling all the stories.
By now, this is what, my 5th session? My doctor is getting very easy to talk to. Granted, I haven't shared all my deepest, darkest secrets, but she hasn't asked me either. Ask, and you shall receive.. If you don't... well, I don't have to offer, right?
At some point, I'm going to have to share all the rest of what is going on in my head with her. Not that there is truly anything dark or whatever. I'm not by any stretch of the word suicidal or anything like that. I love life and my kids and find pleasure in a lot of things.
I have trouble dealing with some specific issues. These issues have grown into my Demon. He's not an awful demon.. He doesn't really know any better. He needs to learn some rules and manners and how to behave. (Kudos to whoever can draw me a cute inner-demon). My demon likes to pop up only once in a while, in some pretty specific situations.
I'm also learning more and more something I think I already knew way deep down. It isn't so much that I have a lot of issues.. I keep allowing myself to be put in situations where I risk running into my demon.
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