Adrift in the ocean

It occurred to me today as I was driving home from work that it can be pretty difficult to give someone an accurate description of what its like when you're deep in throws of a depression fit.  Yes, I said fit.  Depression can ebb and flow.  It isn't always constant.

It's like being adrift in the ocean.  Nothing to hold onto to. Nothing or no one within reach.  You're tired. You're achy.  And you wonder to yourself if it would be easier to give in and let the waves take you.

When someone tries to reach out to you, sometimes it feels like they are 50 yards away from you. Holding out a hand to you.  Not able to reach you.  Calling to you, but their voice is sometimes drowned out by the sound of the waves.


This can sound pretty dismal, huh?  But you know what?  It isn't up to that person to save you from your depression at that point. They can help you and they can guide you or lead you.  The real hero of this story though has to be YOU.

You need to call to the person reaching out.  Tell them where you are or how to find you.  You have to swim as hard as you can and reach for that hand.

Depression can make you feel alone.  It's hard enough that it can make you feel like your entire world is caving in and suffocating you. But it makes you feel so alone.

Sometimes depression can make you isolate yourself, whether you are conscious of it or not.  You can inadvertently push people away.

This isn't to be confused when you purposely and intentionally cut people from your life that are preventing you from living a mentally healthy life.  It is still super important to remove toxic people from your life.



I did have a session last week.  It's just been super busy between kids, and work and the in-law's farm. 

The session went well..  It gives me time away, to think, to chat with someone who is interested in what I have to say (and not just because I pay her).  Sometimes I think I hold back too much from her.  I don't know.

In moments like this, I just don't have the answers. 
I can sound like I do (see all that above). 
I can try and convince myself (see all that above).

Sometimes it's all about how you get to that point each time.  Did your work not go well?  Did you get into an argument with your significant other? Are you having a hard time with change? Have you been hurt? 

I know what my "questions" are and which I have the answers to. 

Part of how this all started tonight, as a topic, is when I used the (censored) saying "Up the creek without a paddle."   The 5 year old really need this to be explained, and the 9 year old argued about the meaning til I started explaining it further - which sounds an awful lot like how this post started.

I think my bottom line for tonight is to really think about this.  How does it compare to where you are?  Are you letting the waves close in on you?  Or are you swimming like hell to get to those trying to help you?

The goal is to find a way to enjoy the ocean again.

-Saisri

A wee bit overdue..

It has been too long, my friends.  Too long.

Firstly, my apologies. I've been hung up on what to write after these last 2 sessions.  I'm on an every two week schedule now, and these last 2 have been less Topic-Oriented and more conversation-based. 

Second, I've been trying to figure out how to put what's been going on in my head onto paper, or even into conversation.

You see, something that's very important about these sessions (any sessions) is that honesty is key.  Honesty with yourself, with your therapist, with your inner circle.  And all three of those need to be in place.

And here's where I've failed.

If there is one person that I'm excellent at hiding the truth from, it's myself.  There are days I can convince myself that everything is okay.  There are days where I can convince myself I'm fine.

I'm not always fine.  And that's okay.  It actually is.  The problem is that I have to be honest with myself about why things aren't fine.  And then handle it appropriately.

Back to my old favorite:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I also haven't been 100% honest with my therapist either.  I haven't lied.  Well, by omission perhaps. I haven't told her everything that is "wrong" and after leaving the last session feeling empty still, I think it's time.

The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.

I've been pondering that a lot lately.  I think there's only one face though, covered by many masks. Everyone has layers, lots and lots of layers.  And those that are allowed in to your circle have pealed away more than those on the outside.  And those few that you have let all the way in, are still held at bay by a layer of mask (s).  Very rarely, you let someone in further than any other.  And that singular person is usually responsible for the number of masks you wear.  They have the ability to strip them away, or to cause you to add more. 

I think I'm going to have a lot to talk about next time.

~Saisri